How often do you hear today statements young mothers that they are already so tired of caring for the baby that they would never agree to have a second child. Meanwhile, mother and child are one. And the fact that modern women do not want to have many children and increasingly want to prove to men that they are no worse than them and can earn money themselves prevents their logic from developing and raising a child correctly.

As I wrote Honore de Balzac"The future of the nation is in the hands of mothers." A young mother, concerned only about whether he is dressed fashionably and whether he is not lagging behind other children in terms of financial support, is capable of raising only a boor and a weasel who absolutely does not understand such feelings as respect for adults, kindness and sympathy.

Modern mothers they want to raise their child to be liberated, so that he can stand up for himself and not suffer from excessive modesty. “The child must be taught in advance to have a tough relationship with others, so that he can win his place in life,” they believe. A three-year-old child sends his grandmother to all known addresses, calls his dad names and can throw his fists at his mother.

Father smiles they say, here is a real man growing up, but the mother is silent, because she believes that no one can really offend such a son. However, as statistics show, it is precisely this “grown-up tribe” brought up in a modern way that does not even want to know their parents as soon as they cease to be useful to them. "My child is always right!" - this is the main life motto of many mothers who are confident that this is the only way to cultivate individuality in children. But individuality and rudeness are two different things. It is very important from birth to form in a child the basic personality qualities, the formation of which ends already at the age of 5-6 years. Of course, something in the character of a school-age child may still change, but his style of behavior and attitude towards other people determine the positive experience gained before the age of six.

Starting from six months age, the child begins to test his parents' patience. He spits out the food, throws a bowl of soup on the floor, takes dirty shoes into his mouth and laughs cheerfully, looking at his trick. If you do not pay attention to such actions of the cute naughty boy, then the process of permissiveness will develop further. Already at this age, the mother must make it clear to the child that with certain forms of behavior he will not be able to get the desired results.

It is important that from this age he began to gradually learn that he would not be able to emerge victorious from the confrontation with his parents. Do not indulge the child’s ridiculous demands, but calmly and calmly explain to him that his action does not please you at all. If your child understands that in addition to his desires, you also have your own needs, then he will not grow up to be selfish and will not be rude to his parents.

The child is learning manners behavior of their parents. From the first days of his life, he copies the gestures and actions of his mother and father. If parents themselves are accustomed to hurling obscene words at each other during the course, how can a child not replenish his vocabulary with unfamiliar words. And what a temptation it is to use them, even without understanding the meaning of these words. The worst thing is that the child, along with bad words, learns the behavior of his parents and tries to behave the same way in conflict situations.

He doesn't see authority parents and considers it normal in adolescence to teach them, to interfere in their conversation with inappropriate and rude remarks addressed to them. He can be rude to his parents in public in a tone full of contempt and hatred. Therefore, from the very birth of your child, analyze your behavior and avoid using obscene, offensive and rude words when communicating with family members. In order to develop certain character traits and a style of behavior in a child, moral teaching alone is not enough; parents must constantly work to improve themselves.

Learn carefully listen your child, even if it seems to you that everything he says is just baby talk. In order for a child to grow as an individual, you need to make him understand that his words and actions deserve respect and your attention. It is very important not to laugh at your child’s stupid questions under any circumstances and not to interrupt him with the words: “Don’t bother with your ridiculous questions!”

If the child answered you rough and uttered an obscene word, don’t immediately cut it off with a ban: “So that I don’t hear that again!” Explain to your child why these words are unpleasant for you to hear and analyze your behavior, which could be the reason for the enrichment of your child’s vocabulary of swear words.

You won't educate baby prepared for harsh living conditions if you take care only of his material well-being and physical health. From childhood, a child should be able to show kindness and empathy. Understand that not only his parents must fulfill his whims, but he himself must respect them and help them. The task of parents is to constantly instill in their child by their example and behavior: this world can be dangerous and cruel, but he has loving parents on whom he can always count.

Everyone knows that sometimes it can be difficult with children. But when adolescence comes, many parents realize that all previous problems were just flowers. And we are not talking about such offenses as smoking, alcohol, drugs, disgraceful behavior at school, etc. – these problems are obvious, visible and understandable. We will talk about something else: about the callous, disrespectful attitude of teenagers towards close people in the family.

These problems are usually little noticeable to others, but this does not make them any less significant. A 15-year-old girl in a store with her mother chooses summer outfits. He speaks in a completely boorish tone: “You don’t understand anything...”, “Leave me alone...”, “Are you completely sick in the head?”, “I won’t go anywhere with you again...”, “I’ve already told you a hundred times...”.

A mother with an upset face rushes after her daughter. She tries to somehow object, breaks into a scream, the daughter, with a pouty look, silently walks along the shopping aisles, not paying attention to her mother. They return home. The daughter immediately contacted her, and her sweet face blossomed with a smile: she had already forgotten to think about her mother, who at this time was taking pills for headaches and blood pressure.

Boys, of course, are not so emotional and sometimes simply do not pay attention to their parents. The mother tries to talk to her son about school, ask him about grades, teachers, classmates - it is useless: he sits, staring at the monitor, and does not pay attention to her, getting off with short words: I don’t know, I didn’t see, leave me alone. He only breaks out of his imperturbably calm state when she tries to turn off the computer or snatch the tablet from his hands.

Most often, parents let these situations pass them by, but sometimes they become very offended. Dad tries to tell his son about his childhood memories, about how he studied at school, what he was interested in and suddenly realizes that his son is not listening to him, but is just waiting to return to his favorite activities, and that he is a dad, not at all he is not interested as a person.

The teenager goes for a walk, and his mother cannot reach him by phone. “The phone is dead, big deal!” When asked why he didn’t take his friend’s phone and call home, he doesn’t answer and remains silent with an irritated face, although his mother told him a hundred times that she gets very worried when he stays out late.

Returning from work, the mother discovers that she forgot to buy bread and asks her daughter to run to the store. In response: “Couldn’t you buy it yourself? I have no time." Mom, tired after work, begins to make trouble and reproach her daughter for being callous and not understanding how hard it is for her. In a normal relationship, if the mother cries and worries, the child is very uncomfortable. But in the described situation this does not happen. The mother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but the daughter is fine, and on her face there is only annoyance at being torn away from her favorite entertainment.

There are many similar examples that can be given. This is such minor everyday rudeness. Usually people explain it to themselves this way: all teenagers are like this. He'll grow up and everything will be fine. Indeed, this often happens. What if the situation does not change?

It is interesting that such situations can occur in any family: both very rich and low-income ones. Both a mother-cleaner and a successful businesswoman can be rude.

Usually, such problems in the family are not talked about much, but when strangers witness this style of children’s relationship with their parents, it can be very unpleasant and embarrassing for the parents. In my opinion, such problems - selfishness and disrespect of children for their parents - do not arise overnight. It’s just that for the time being, parents don’t pay attention to them. But when a child becomes a teenager, parents begin to expect from him help, understanding, participation in family affairs, sympathy, love and, finally, just respect, and they are terribly disappointed and upset, seeing that these wonderful human emotions are, apparently, from their own the child will not be seen.

Why do teenagers behave this way? Of course, “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” but one thing is obvious: in such families, parents are not an authority for a teenager. The reasons for the lack of authority among parents are different. There are quite understandable ones: low salary, low social status, bad appearance, lifestyle, lack of personal growth, failures in life, bad character, etc. etc.

But sometimes it also happens that a good, hardworking, responsible and successful person in public life is not respected by his own child. And this disrespect is precisely expressed in the offensive, everyday little things that were described above.

What to do about it?

Of course, it was necessary to start when the child was still very small. From the moment he begins to understand what he is doing (and this happens at a very early age), you cannot allow disrespect towards yourself under any circumstances: you are no less valuable than your child. And you definitely deserve more respect than him.

For example, when visiting or in a cafe, a five-year-old child behaves disgracefully: he runs, screams, grabs everything from the table, drops it, constantly teases his mother, demands something. The mother is nervous, but, on the other hand, she explains to everyone that this is such an education system, that children need to express themselves, etc.

There are two ways of development of events: if you are comfortable in such a situation and are not ashamed in front of other people, then everything is in order and there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are uncomfortable, uncomfortable and restless, then such behavior is the child’s disrespect towards you. This needs to be stopped immediately and explained to the child that you will not tolerate this anymore. Children, like animals, quickly understand who can sit on the neck and who can’t, who needs to be obeyed and who can be ignored, who needs to be respected and who can be sent to hell.

Therefore, the advice here is essentially the same - never ignore any disrespect towards yourself on the part of a child, no matter what age he is. Measures of influence can be different: both verbal and concrete. Ignored your request for something - do the same in response. He answered rudely - do not answer his further questions and requests. He disgraced you in a public place - show him that it is unpleasant for you to live with a person like him. Finally, give him a scandal at home. Children do not have such a vulnerable psyche as psychologists like to write about it. Many mothers are subconsciously afraid to present their claims to their child, because then, perhaps, the child will love them less. Yes, unfortunately, the love of children for their parents is not obligatory; by default, it is a component in family relationships, just like the love of parents for their children.

But there is no need to be afraid of this. Requirements to respect you as an individual will not affect the child’s love for you. With teenagers the situation is more complicated. Firstly, many relationships have developed over many years and are quite difficult, if not impossible, to change.

Secondly, the reasons for disrespect can be much more serious. It is known that growing children begin to evaluate their parents differently. Evaluate them as adults, adults.

And parents’ lives, careers and other life circumstances can develop very differently. It happens that your appearance has let you down, and there is no health for new life achievements, just as there is no strength for self-improvement, to look for another, higher-paying job, etc. But teenagers, for the most part, are maximalists and therefore sometimes judge their parents very harshly.

But, even if you understand that the child considers you a failure in life, you cannot leave without retaliatory measures any manifestations of rudeness, inattention and disrespect for yourself on his part. There is no need to be afraid of his response: I don’t love you and I don’t want to live with you. That's not the point. The main thing is that you love him. Perhaps it makes sense to clearly voice your position: I love you, but I will never tolerate rudeness on your part, no matter how you feel about it.

In other words, it is undesirable for such situations to arise frequently in the house: a teenager was rude to his mother, went to his room, but after a while his mother called him with the usual “Will you eat?” and puts dinner on the table for him.

Indeed, many women find it difficult to deviate from their usual routine, and they have a very high sense of responsibility (the child must eat on time and properly), so they sometimes do not pay attention to the rudeness of teenagers that has become familiar to them in everyday life.

Of course, it is always the choice of the person himself how to react to the attitude of other people towards himself, but still, perhaps it makes sense to think about this when it comes to the attitude of our own children towards us. It’s just that sometimes, following the slogan “All the best for children,” parents forget about themselves, despite the popular wisdom that “how you treat yourself is how others will treat you.”

Yesterday the family was peaceful, but today a rude, prickly, angry, ungrateful teenager is ruining everyone’s life. What to do if a child is rude to his parents: respond with severity and take him in stride, or continue to raise him as before, or maybe ignore him? And then he will understand how wrong he is? Mom and dad are rushing around looking for a way out, trying one tactic then another, arguing with each other, blaming each other for educational mistakes, being offended by their son (daughter). This does not correct the situation. The family is going through difficult times. What should I do?

Parents tend to blame the child. But for him, too, life is not sugar. And this is the cause of the problem. I'll tell you about one case from my practice.

The mother of 13-year-old Misha came for a consultation and complained for a long time about her son, who had become completely unbearable: “You can’t say a word to him - he’s rude, insolent, loses his temper over trifles!” She asked to talk to him because the boy’s parents had exhausted their reserves of diplomacy and severity (mixed together). I agreed, on the condition that the boy himself wanted it. In such cases, children are not always willing to contact a psychologist. We talked, and... as one would expect, there were just as many, if not more, responses. They boiled down to the following: “They still think I’m small! They enter a room without knocking, they barge in with advice when they’re not asked, they dictate what to wear, what to eat and who to go out with... we’re sick of it!”

What happens to a child if he suddenly stops loving his parents and begins to consider them enemies? Calm down... don't exaggerate so much! Although, I must admit, such thoughts also occurred to me when I was raising my eldest son.

Reasons why your child is rude

A lot has been written about the reasons, including on this website (links below), so here – briefly, more about parental behavior. First and most important: no matter how acute and intense the conflicts between parents and children during this period are, do not draw conclusions about love and hate! If your child begins to be insolent and rude, this does not mean that he has stopped loving you. What could this mean?

1. He is fighting for his freedom!
2. He is asserting himself!
3. He's training!
4. ...or he gets your attention.

Why does he assert himself at the expense of his parents, fight for freedom with his parents and train (learn to conflict and achieve his goal in these conflicts) on his parents? Are there no other people? Why upset those closest to you?

Remember, from Dolsky: “Our most beloved people get the least love...”. This is the answer. Parents are close. They are not only geographically closest to the teenager, they have already included him in their circle of love - emotionally. It is common for all people (and especially teenagers!) to strive to be loved. They are confident in the love of their parents (of course, this applies to those families where the relationship is warm, truly family). Therefore, why direct your efforts to conquer what has already been conquered? Parents love, which means they won’t go anywhere. This is like a foundation, a springboard from which the conquest of the Big World begins: classmates, friends in your own and not your own area, on VKontakte, Facebook and other places.

The teenager’s attention is directed not inside the family, but outside, which is quite natural for his development. Even if he is one of those who spends more time at home at the computer, he still thinks more about what is behind the walls.

And in this Big World, as usually happens when exploring new territories, he faces a lot of problems and difficulties. He doesn’t know how to solve them, he has no one to consult with (his friends have the same difficulties, and his pride doesn’t allow ).

Why doesn’t the child ask his parents what to do, but is rude to them?

They would love to help, chew it and put it in their mouth, but no! Because:

1. pride!
2. you are not an authority!

You… « the last century sucks, which means leave me alone! » (quote). Your attempts to “pry into his affairs” only fuel the flames of child-parent wars.

He fights fiercely for his autonomy, suppressing your interference with hitherto prohibited methods: rudeness and rudeness. He is training on you, sharpening the claws that he will need in later life. Relieves the tension of resentment from your failures. After all, haven't you ever snapped at your husband or wife after a particularly nasty week at work? I’m not talking about your own teenage period; people tend to quickly forget their “exploits.”

The child needs your attention

Conflicts between parents and children - outbursts of discontent, hysterics, demonstrative silence or disobedience may also indicate that your child needs your attention. You spend too little time with him, or spend it formally.

...Sometimes this happened to me too, when I could ask 2-3 times in the evening about how things were at school. The son was offended: “I already told you!” and he was absolutely right: I ignored his answers.

In this case, the child, with his inappropriate behavior, may try to win back his mom and dad. And there is no point in laying the blame on him for doing it this way. He does it the way he can.

That is, there are children who are “loved” and “unloved,” but they are equally rude, trying to achieve their goals. But since the goals are opposite, the tactics of parents should be different.

What to do if a child is rude to parents?

If you overprotective child and still see him as a baby, then:

• Repeat to yourself as often as possible that this speaks of his maturation just like the growth of breasts in girls, or the breaking of voices in boys. Repeat this to yourself so you don't get upset, angry or offended. These emotions are a bad advisor, they will prevent you from doing everything else that is important!
• Don't deprive him of your love in the form in which you are accustomed to manifest it. Do not take revenge for rudeness with terror or ignorance.
• Tell him honestly about your feelings, that his behavior offends and angers you.
• When your feelings are simply unbearable, remember that this period will definitely pass(breasts will grow, your voice will change and your teenager will become an adult), and will pass without much loss if you are less involved in the struggle.
• Let him defeat you sometimes! Review home laws and rules towards greater freedom and greater independence for your child.
• Always remember that detailed instructions are annoying. They indicate your distrust of the child. So, where possible, keep them to a minimum. For example: “Please buy bread” and do not attach to this a detailed map of the microdistrict with a bakery marked with a cross and a list of prices for different types of bread. He'll figure it out on his own, he's not a little guy.

If your son or daughter lacks attention and this is precisely the reason that the child is rude to his parents, then advice on what to do in this case will look different.

• Be sincerely (!!!) interested in his affairs, his friends, his studies.
• Find out what he needs and give it to him. The process is not that complicated; it is enough to ask from time to time: “What can I do for you now?”
• The rules will also have to be revised and independence will also need to be granted, however, a child “underfed” with attention will be more likely to be dissatisfied with this and will tend to take it for indifference. Therefore, each “extension” must be discussed and insisted that it will bring experience and benefit to the child.

Last chance

For ro It is important for parents of neglected children to understand: adolescence is last period when it is relatively easy to establish emotional contact with children. And if you don’t do this now, another 3-5 years will pass, they will grow up and alienation will finally cement the familiar and durable wall. And not only will you yourself suffer from the fact that the child does not call or come, but he himself will have great difficulty in establishing strong emotional relationships in his adult life, because no one taught him this.

Conflicts between parents and children hurt both sides. And it is important to understand what exactly needs to be done when your child is rude to his parents. He draws attention to himself. The family needs reform, right?

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Just yesterday yours child he was so gentle and affectionate, he loved mom and dad so much, but now he’s like a prickly hedgehog who can’t live a day without pricking you with his own aloofness, and sometimes shows aggression that expresses real hatred. His injections become more and more painful every week, and you begin to feel that you are falling into the abyss of a communication failure between you and your child. What happened and how to deal with it?

Well, most likely your child is just grows up. You were an infallible authority for him all these years, and he simply did not know how to doubt your absolute rightness and the absolute correctness of everything you do. But, let's admit that although such obedience is convenient, it is not expensive. And in order to grow up, your child will certainly have to break the shell of your guardianship and become more independent. The shining halo of your omnipotence has dimmed in his eyes, and of course this is a great disappointment for him. In addition to everything, the body begins to rebuild, change, produce unprecedented hormones in unprecedented quantities... in general, the wind of change slams the shutters in your child’s world and forces him to wrap himself in a blanket of alienation from loved ones, from you, sometimes from the whole world.

Don't you dare touch my things! Stay out of my life!

God, how much hatred- and you just wiped the dust off his speakers, which were literally begging for a damp cloth with all their appearance. Of course, this is painful and offensive. But don’t be upset, all of us at this age sometimes make our mother cry. The thirst for personal space is the first step towards an individual’s awareness of his own independence. And the teenager begins to defend this territory, like a baby animal’s burrow.

Give him personal space will be the right decision. But allowing your child to grow up does not mean that he should be allowed to get away with everything. Those who have brains in their heads can set their own rules. Only those who are truly independent have power in this world. Let your child understand this. Do you want your room to be untouchable? Okay, but then it must be kept in proper condition. You can paste Justin Bieber posters all over the ceiling, but make sure the room is always tidy! This is my home and my rules, and independence will have to be earned.

In short, teenager You really need personal space, but freedom is too intoxicating for fragile minds, so it should be used in doses, gradually. And be sure that you control the dose.

It's not fair! This is unfair! You are the worst parents in the world! It would be better if I had never been born! You always do THIS!

Certainly! How cruel it was to forbid him to go to Kazantip with his friends at the age of twelve! You didn't even let him try cocaine! For other children, their parents probably allowed it. And they deprived him of the New Year before last by giving him Duplo blocks instead of Lego!

Feeling justice- This is good. But in adolescence it is so hypertrophied that it even has its own definition, “youthful maximalism.” There is no way to overcome it, you just need to talk to your child more often. Allow him to argue his position. Argue with him as with an adult, and not as with a child, and only when he calms down and recovers from the attack of righteous anger. You will be surprised how many scandals will disappear as soon as the unfortunate fighter for justice at least once tries to calmly justify his claims to you. You can even record these attempts on camera - in five years you will laugh together.

After conflict settled, explain to the rude person how deeply his insulting phrases, uttered in anger, hurt you. It's time to learn to take responsibility for your words and understand that they can hurt someone you care about. It's an integral part of growing up.

You NEVER allow me anything! You never buy me anything! I hate you!

And this one youthful cry should not be taken to heart. Maybe at the moment the child really feels a sincere feeling towards you, as an obstacle on the way to his, “a completely adult person,” freedom. But this outbreak will pass very soon, and he will most likely even be ashamed. The child’s love for you has not gone away, it’s just that the hormones are making his head spin, so he constantly walks around like he’s drunk.

Not try argue at the “yes-no” level, and generally do not succumb to provocations, do not conduct any dialogues with a terrorist who has thrown a tantrum. A young, growing organism must firmly understand that you will only talk to an adequate person, and not to a screaming harpy rolling on the floor. Let him first go to the bathroom and evolve to HomoSapiens, then you can sit down at the negotiating table and consider all his proposals, claims, demands and requests. But it is imperative to communicate and discuss any conflict that arises. The child should have the right to demand an explanation for each of your prohibitions, and you owe it to him to explain in detail, and as clearly as possible, why you, as a parent, cannot allow him to go to Somalia and become a pirate.

The given phrases- just an attempt to summarize the most common claims of the younger generation against their ancestors. The main thing to remember is to try to instill responsibility in your child. More often appeal to the argument: “no responsibilities - no rights.” Do you want me to buy YOU an X-box? But, if you are such an adult, then why do your problems and desires automatically become mine? But I wish I didn’t have to stand at the stove for forty minutes every day after work, and then wash the dishes for another half hour. Take it upon yourself, you are old enough to learn how to cook. Free up my time and I'll earn money for your console. Can’t imagine your existence without her? And for the second year now, the unpainted fence at the dacha has been an eyesore for me. Whoever wants to receive must first learn to give, my young friend. This is the only way to truly become an adult.