Very often I had to observe situations in which parents annoying own children.

For example, in a store I saw how one mother angrily hit her two-year-old child on the hands when he reached for a beautiful jar standing on the display. The baby began to cry, and the mother said with irritation: “How many times should we repeat the same thing?” Once a girl forcibly washed her child in the lake, who had once again gotten dirty in the sand. The child cried, and the mother cursed helplessly. I looked at these mothers disapprovingly, and thought to myself: “How can you talk to a baby like that? After all, children are angels, we have no right to be angry or offended at them...” Only now, with the advent of my own child, I began to understand, no matter how bad it may sound, there are times when my child annoys me. Due to the fact that I am a calm and balanced person by nature, of course, I do not scream or hit my baby. However, the irritation does not go away.

Why is this happening? Why, from loving and caring mothers, sometimes, because of a little prank of a child, we turn into real shrews, forgetting that we have a little person in front of us. Our baby. The most beloved and beloved.

Do you think children are to blame for all these cases? I think not. It is our adult feelings that break out and fall in a destructive avalanche on the little and most beloved fidgets.

It seems to me that there are several reasons for this, sometimes we are not aware of them, and sometimes we are simply afraid to admit them.

Let's figure out why we annoying own child And what to do with this problem?

CHRONIC FATIGUE

This condition is familiar to most mothers if they do not have assistants and a reliable substitute nanny at hand. The frantic, monotonous and so unnoticed by others, everyday running in circles is very tiring. Plus, sleepless nights, weekends depending on the child, and the inability to manage your time independently. If this state of affairs lasts for a long enough time, the mother’s nerves simply give out. And since the child is always nearby and, as a rule, he is unrequited and unforgiving, we bring down the main negativity on him.

If this is the case, then REST is urgently needed! At least for one day, at least for a few hours. You need to ask all reliable relatives for help with the baby. If they refuse, no problem, ask again in a few days. I understand that the feeling of pride and the thought: “No one wants to help, so be it, I can handle it” - has its place, but it’s better that mom, like a little pony who loaded a heavy truck into her cart, falls on the third meter there will be no way for anyone. Your nerves and the nerves of your baby are much more valuable than a satisfied feeling of pride.

PERSONAL TROUBLES

Unfortunately, the children don’t know that we are currently having problems with money, or that today mom had an unpleasant conversation with dad, or that the car broke down, the vacation was cancelled, and much more...

If children are healthy, they are cheerful, playful and sometimes incredibly talkative. They always ask their questions at the most inopportune moment; they cannot leave when we need to be alone. It's annoying, isn't it? And we can once again fail.

In this case, you need to remember: the baby is not to blame for anything. He loves you and may even be trying to cheer you up in his own way - don’t push your child away. Our adult problems should not concern the bright and naive world of the baby.

A CHILD'S BEHAVIOR RUINS OUR PLANS

Apparently, you just have to learn to live with this. Accept the idea that in a given period of time you must build your daily routine in such a way that it can be adjusted at any time, and it must also be fully consistent with the child’s capabilities. For example, if you are late for an appointment at the clinic, and your baby is slowly trailing behind you, clearly wasting precious time, you should not be angry with him. It was you who planned your time incorrectly. But by the way, being angry at someone else is always much more pleasant.

THE CHILD'S BEHAVIOR DOES NOT MEET OUR EXPECTATIONS

But it shouldn't match. The baby is not what we imagined him to be in our dreams. He is real, with his own problems and shortcomings, our task is to correct them, and not “burn them out with a hot iron.”

The feeling of irritation is understandable and, oddly enough, almost natural for young mothers. But you don’t need to follow his lead, you shouldn’t turn from a good mother into an evil stepmother. It’s not the children’s fault, it’s us adults who can’t always cope with ourselves. Let's first understand ourselves and only in extreme cases will we offend our children.

How great it will be if we listen to the great teacher and accept simple rules for ourselves.

Ten THE COMMANDMENTS OF JANUSZ KORCZAK for parents:

1. Don't expect your child to be like you or the way you want. Help him become not you, but himself.

2. Do not demand payment from your child for everything you have done for him. You gave him life, how can he thank you? He will give life to another, and he will give life to a third, and this is an irreversible law of gratitude.

3. Do not take out your grievances on your child, so that in old age you do not eat bitter bread. For whatever you sow, that will come back.

4. Don't look down on his problems. Life is given to everyone according to their strength, and rest assured, it is no less difficult for him than for you, and maybe more, since he has no experience.

5. Don't humiliate!

6. Don’t forget that a person’s most important meetings are his meetings with his children. Pay more attention to them - we can never know who we meet in a child.

7. Don't torture yourself if you can't do something for your child. Remember, not enough has been done for the child if everything has not been done.

8. A child is not a tyrant who takes over your entire life, not just a fruit of flesh and blood. This is the precious cup that Life has given you to store and develop creative fire within. This is the liberated love of a mother and father, who will grow not “our”, “their” child, but a soul given for safekeeping.

9. Know how to love someone else’s child. Never do to someone else what you would not want done to yours.

10. Love your child in any way - untalented, unlucky, adult. When communicating with him, rejoice, because a child is a holiday that is STILL with you.

Is it possible to be annoyed with a child?

The topic of irritation towards children worries those parents who love their children and do not want to experience negative feelings towards them, but such feelings, nevertheless, appear and their own child begins to irritate.

For such parents, the fact that they annoying own child is one of the most painful. One part of a person says that everything is fine with the child, he is just small, and the second part of the parent’s personality explodes with rage, anger, aggression.

At the same time, the parent experiences a feeling of guilt. How is it possible, how can you be so angry and irritated with your own child, with this defenseless creature? The parent begins to scold himself with the last words. “If I feel and act this way, does that mean I don’t love him?” Self-hatred, resentment and resentment for such feelings grows.

The problem of irritation and aggression towards children concerns many parents. From my own parenting experience, as well as from the experience of communicating with other parents, I know that these feelings arise in almost everyone.

Many are trying to figure it out? Most parents find it difficult to process their negative feelings towards their child. Many people don’t even dare admit it.

Negative feelings towards the child parental aggression arises just like any other human feeling. The fact that a parent experiences irritation, anger, and sometimes even rage towards a child does not mean a lack of love. Often all these feelings are present at the same time.

Irritation (frustration) occurs when something does not go as expected or does not work out.

« Frustration- a mental state that arises in a situation of real or perceived impossibility of satisfying certain needs, or, more simply, in a situation of a discrepancy between desires and available capabilities.”

Irritation (frustration) is basic primitive emotion, existing in all mammals. This emotion does not involve the cerebral cortex, so we often cannot explain the cause of our irritation. We're just annoyed.

Irritation is born in the limbic system, the functions of which were formed at the initial stage of the evolution of the animal world. Irritation carries with it a huge charge of energy - aggression, which needs to go out somewhere.

This energy of aggression is intended to change an annoying and unsatisfying situation, to get what is missing, to satisfy a need that is not satisfied. If you change the situation and get what you want, energy goes towards changes. If it is not possible to change the situation, the energy of aggression and irritation grows.

In life, we often find ourselves powerless to change the existing reality. At the moment of realizing the impossibility of change, it can be especially difficult to admit one’s helplessness.

If a person first gets angry about his helplessness, then grieves and mourns, then he manages to adapt to the current situation.

If a person faced with the impossibility of change cannot recognize and grieve his helplessness, it will be impossible to move on to adaptation.

Since feeling vulnerable and helpless is painful and “wrong” according to some ideas, a person turns off his feelings. But one feeling of helplessness cannot be turned off; if one feeling is excluded, all the others become numb.

Then the person becomes unable to cry, experience a feeling of vulnerability, and aggression increases many times over. The last thing that stops her outward manifestations in the form of aggressive actions is mixed feelings.

Feelings that differ greatly in their range, for example, hatred and love at the same time, and anger and care at the same time. When, for example, you want, on the one hand, to break something valuable, but on the other hand, you don’t want to then remove the debris and buy something new. Sometimes you simultaneously want to yell at your child and protect him from your frightening manifestations.

The stronger the feelings, the harder it is to experience their confusion. Young children do not know how to withstand conflicting feelings. But it’s hard for adults to do this too. A child who is not taught in childhood to experience mixed feelings, to admit his helplessness and vulnerability, cannot do this when he grows up.

Why aren't children taught to experience conflicting feelings and mourn their helplessness? Because when experiencing mixed feelings, the child often gets angry and cries. And in our culture it is customary to forbid being angry and crying.

The child is not allowed to experience grief over the impossibility of fulfilling his desires; he is distracted, amused or scolded, and is instilled with a feeling of guilt for tears and anger.

Life often gives us unpleasant surprises, and we are often irritated. And children are a special source of such “surprises”. Therefore, situations when , can occur quite often.

Every time something goes wrong, when a child does not meet expectations, irritation arises, followed by aggression. If the energy of aggression has not turned into changes or into grief over their impossibility, if, defending against feelings of vulnerability, a person has frozen his feelings, and the skill of awareness of mixed feelings has not restrained aggression, then it comes out.

Some people think it's wrong to get annoyed with children, are you one of them? For example, talking about irritation with your own parents or aggression towards your husband is not so difficult. Talking about aggression towards a child is difficult.

He is the most beloved, the best, baby! I adore him. A child is sacred. And suddenly feelings arise in the soul that “shouldn’t be there.” Man can't understand Why is your own child annoying?, feels guilty, at first tries to ignore such feelings, then restrain them, then get distracted.

It's good if he succeeds. And if it doesn’t work out, he cannot cope with the rising irritation towards his own child and explodes, starts screaming, hitting the child. Then he feels ashamed or blames the child for everything, tries to explain to him that it is his own fault, and there is no need to do this anymore, so as not to anger mom (dad).

The next time the child does not obey again, the person feels justified indignation at the child’s lack of understanding, “how many times can I repeat this?”, and everything starts all over again.

Every time a person believes that this will not happen again, he makes a promise to himself to start all over again, to better explain to the child how to behave correctly. The reason why Why is your own child annoying?, such an adult sees in a child.

He holds back, gets distracted, tries to scold himself with the last words to such an extent that it is no longer common to repeat his behavior, screaming or hitting.

If mother (father) beats child, this means that parents cannot cope with their emotions on their own.

The conviction that aggressive feelings towards a child are unacceptable encourages an adult to continue trying to ignore and suppress them. Such methods of getting rid of irritation with your own child do not always work. Theoretical knowledge in psychology and the theory of the emergence of aggressive feelings most often does not give practical results.

Parents who really care about their children often research the topic quite well, read books and related articles. Unfortunately, this knowledge also does not always help them overcome their reactions and their own child still annoys them.

Irritation and aggression towards a child can occur in anyone. The question is, what does the adult then do with these feelings, how does his irritation and anger affect his behavior and actions?

Aggressive feelings towards a child become a problem when, as a result of their occurrence, parents begin to use physical and psychological violence. Is it true, parental aggression It doesn’t always turn into violence.

If you don’t want to scream and hit a child, if you don’t want to get irritated with him, if you think that children shouldn’t be beaten, but you can’t stop, “something comes over you”, you experience guilt, and your child is over 2 years old, then it may be almost impossible to overcome your reactions yourself.

If parents want to solve the problem with their negative emotions and actions towards their child, it is important for them to accept the fact that they cannot yet cope on their own.

Recognize that they need help to cope, do not wait, but seek advice from a psychologist. It happens that after just a few meetings a person can change his actions in situations where annoying own child, and stop lashing out at your child.

Most people are familiar with the concept of “physical violence”; it implies very specific things, but the meaning of the concept of “psychological violence” is not obvious to many.

« Psychological violence, Also emotional or moral violence“is a form of violence that can lead to psychological trauma, including anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Psychological violence is insults, humiliation, shouting, threats, blackmail, ignoring, slander, all types of restrictions on freedom, excessive demands that are not appropriate for age, isolation, systematic unfounded criticism, demonstrative negative attitude, frequent conflicts in the family, unpredictable behavior of parents .

Physical and psychological violence in relation to the child inhibits his development. It harms the formation and enrichment of intelligence, the ability to adapt to different circumstances and situations, and cognitive processes.

As a result of violence, the child becomes easily vulnerable, his self-esteem. The ability to socialize decreases, he becomes conflicted and, most likely, may be rejected by his peers.

There are some situations and conditions when it is quite easy to move from aggression to violence. As a rule, if an adult is in a state of general physical and mental exhaustion, it is more difficult to refrain from aggressive manifestations when one’s own child is annoying.

The reasons for such exhaustion can be different: fatigue, difficult financial situation, chronic stress, a long illness of the child or the adult himself, the period of adaptation of the child in a foster family.

During such periods, an adult often uses violence against a child, impulsively copying the behavior of his own parents. This happens even when he is not happy with the behavior of his parents and does not want to be like them.

The use of violence is typical of an adult when he is in an anxious state, is very suspicious, is afraid that something will happen to the child, really wants to protect the child from any unpleasant incidents, suffering, and cannot bear the child’s crying.

Also, the use of violence occurs when an adult experiences strong guilt because he is annoyed by his own child, that he is a “bad” parent, he has a “bad” child. This feeling of guilt, increased sensitivity to criticism (including imaginary), often accompanies various fantasies about judgment by those around him as a parent, that the child could be taken away or harmed, that someone will decide that it would be better they were not with the child.

This fear that someone will “cancel” an adult with his child is quite common, because... historically embedded in the foundations of our country’s sense of self.

In our country, several generations of people have grown up who have gone through war, repression, prisons, camps, and violence. Their children were raised predominantly by women who were emotionally cold from constant stress, two-parent families were rare, and if there were two, they were mostly with traumatized fathers, children were often separated from their parents early.

Women often instill in their children a learned helplessness, a victim mentality, a belief that nothing depends on them, that someone strong can come and take everything away.

To this day, families often believe that it is impossible to praise children; they are raised only with criticism, shouting, physical punishment, and ignoring them because it is faster and more effective, there is no time to understand.

To quickly and effectively control a child’s behavior, the following phrases are used:

• “You’re bad, I don’t need you like that”
• "I don't care what you want"
• “I will give you to someone else’s uncle (aunt)”
• "I'll leave you"
• "Everyone will laugh at you"
• “How tired of you I am”
• “Why do I need such a child?”

The child translates all these words and actions for himself as follows:

• “It would be better if I didn’t exist”
• "I can be canceled"
• "I'm not worthy of love"
• “Everyone feels bad because I exist”

At such moments, the child does not experience the fear of punishment, he experiences the horror of non-existence, death, cancellation.

Such upbringing deprives the child of an inner core - a sense of security and self-confidence, an idea of ​​himself as good, correct, important and existing. A person can no longer calmly deal with criticism if he regularly experienced such fear in childhood.

Any criticism, the slightest mistake, real or imaginary, is perceived by him as proof that he has no right to exist, causing horror, guilt and aggression.

A person with a weak inner core is very vulnerable. He is always in a state of fear that someone might “cancel” him, and is constantly forced to defend his wounded dignity and right to life.

These were the forms of behavior that most modern parents absorbed from childhood. Other forms of parental behavior towards their children, not imbibed from childhood, require significant conscious control; it is not always possible to carry them out automatically.

Behaviors that were not learned naturally from your parents can be learned on your own or with the help of a psychologist. This requires knowledge about your difficulties, recognition of the fact that your own child annoys you, conscious efforts to “grow” new forms of behavior and daily work on yourself.

In the second part of the article we will talk about what happens when parents cannot cope with their aggression, about the forms of physical and psychological violence in the family and their consequences:

It is not customary to talk about this topic, but every mother knows this. She knows, but is silent, unable to admit even to herself that she has attacks of aggression, hostility, and irritation towards her own child when he does not obey or behaves badly. At such moments, she herself does not know how to control herself. A scream at the child escapes from the lips, the hand seems to hit the butt itself, and then we cry powerlessly into the pillow at night. We mentally ask for forgiveness from our children; we do not understand ourselves. What to do? How to raise your children without screaming and violence? How to make them obey and grow up to be good, kind children?

The understanding that the idiom “all children are angels” is a real deception comes at the moment when you first encounter the obstinacy, willfulness, and inadequate desires of your own child. Yes, yes, this happens already in the first year of life, when the child begins to want something, and, despite prohibitions or educational work, still insist on his own. Probably, almost the first thing that parents encounter is the constant cry of the child. It's tiresome and very annoying when it happens the 10th time in a night. But here we can still calm ourselves down - explain to ourselves where this cry comes from. A child wants to eat or is in pain - we overpower ourselves, because we love him. But then the real nightmare problems begin. Every second mother will tell you how hard she fought to stop her child from gnawing on his own fists, and then on everything else that came to hand.

The child is 2.3, we are still struggling with our hands in our mouth. This view makes me shiver! The child literally drives me crazy. And considering that I’m squeamish myself, it’s not shaking like a child. No matter what we tried, nothing helps. And who knows when this will pass.

But this is just the beginning. The parent begins to understand that the child is a willful individual person. And at some point the understanding comes that children are the complete opposite of the angel. And immediately alarming questions arise for yourself:

How to avoid yelling at your own child?
How not to hit a child even in moments when all other educational measures have ended?
How not to be angry with a child? How to contain irritation?
What to do if maternal strength and patience are no longer enough?

Am I a mother or stepmother? Why does my own child piss me off?

Mothers often encounter lectures from outsiders. Mother-in-law or even their own mother, “smart” grandmothers on the street or teachers in the garden, who consider it literally their duty to point out the shortcomings of raising a child. Reproaches rain down on mom from all sides: she does this and that too. And almost everyone tells you what not to do: you can’t hit a child, you can’t yell at a child. So what should we do?

Sometimes the natural mother is even called the child’s stepmother. It is on this question that, as a rule, all advice either turns into stupid or into advice that does not apply to your own child. Only one mother really knows that she knows nothing. Surprisingly, the situation is exactly repeated when both the second and the third child are born - the educational process is very complex in each new case, moreover, those unique educational keys that fit the first do not fit the second at all. On the Internet you can find hundreds of pages with mothers moaning about their actions and their lack of understanding of themselves: “I’m hitting my child, what should I do?” - writes one, “I’m yelling at the child, what should I do?” - another echoes her. But most are simply silent about it.

My daughter is 2 years 7 months old. She is a wonderful girl, smart, sociable, kind, and everyone in kindergarten is simply delighted with her. Only recently has she become very capricious, sometimes even unbearable. “I will/won’t” repeats one after another, does not listen, runs away or pushes me away when I want to take her across the road, for example. Sometimes I can't help myself, I yell at the child or spank, but it's just my own child that really irritates and pisses me off. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just feel like a disgusting mother - I can’t cope with her at all. Why is she acting this way? It seems that no one suppresses her, she is allowed a lot, we play, read, and draw. Why suddenly such a period of disobedience? During such scenes, I have a complete feeling that she doesn’t love me... Of course, I’m probably wrong, but what should I do? Maybe it's just age?

First, you need to stop reproaching yourself and understand that the crazy, all-forgiving, absolute love of a mother for a child is just a myth created by modern society. The fact that a child is annoying and angry, that sometimes you want to hit him or shout at him, is an absolutely normal reaction of a woman. And absolutely every mother has this reaction - it’s not bad, and it’s not good. It's just life.

It is very difficult to cope with this, and sometimes it is simply unrealistic. But there is a way out! To avoid this, it is enough to understand your own child, and then it will become obvious why he does what he does.

Why is it wrong to hit children? And why can't you yell at a child?

A child is really not an angel, he has his own desires and in very early childhood they are not limited in any way. In simple words: “I want - I achieve what I want.” I want to bite my fists, I will bite. I want to chew on my mother’s dirty boots, I will. I want to stick my fingers into the socket, I’ll stick it. And so on. Desire is the basis of any action, and children have huge, crazy desires that literally crawl out of them every day, every hour, every minute.

The child does not analyze his desires. You just want it, it’s just done. By striking him at this moment, no matter on the butt, on the back of the head or on the ear, by shouting at the child, we, mothers, deal him a terrible blow to his psyche. Thus, we give him a bad fate, frustrations, fears, problems that will accompany him for the rest of his life.

There are no bad desires, all the child’s desires are normal. They are just not directed in the right direction. Because the child does not know what is good and what is bad. Then, in the process of life, the child learns that some realizations of his desires are forbidden, and some are even very bad. If parents are able to raise a child correctly, then almost all desires, even the worst and most unpleasant at first glance, are transformed into positive manifestations that are accepted in our society, which will allow an adult to find and master.

For example, some children want to be richer than others - this is a very simple desire, but how can it be realized in childhood? Already at 3-4 years of age, they begin to steal, in other words, take what they themselves would like to have, despite the fact that it already has its rightful owner. This desire can be limited and transformed into the desire of an adult to work hard and hard to earn more than others. For proper upbringing, it is enough for a mother to simply unravel the desires of her child and direct them in the right direction. What are we doing? We get irritated, angry, scream and hit our own child without understanding it, which means we are cutting off at the root the child’s usual desire, which so far simply has no direction. What happens after this? There will be a tragedy that will last a lifetime.

Achieving the desired result, that is, correctly directing the child’s desires, is possible only if, firstly, the correct understanding of these desires, and secondly, the correct influence on him. All the desires of every child are absolutely normal - even if it seems to you the opposite - this must always be remembered. Some manifestations are associated with stress in one direction or another, for example, people who bite their nails under stress. To wean a child from this, it is useless to punish him, it is necessary to help him cope with stress. And so every desire, every action is absolutely normal, even when it seems completely stupid to us. All the baby’s desires can be directed in the right direction. There is not a single desire in the world that would not be normal, there are simply parents who do not educate the desire into the correct one, but suppress the desire itself. This is a road to nowhere.

This is what worries the most and most often. My child infuriates me, sometimes I’m ready to kill him - does this mean I’m a bad mother? Should I be deprived of my parental rights? I'm probably causing him irreparable psychological trauma, poor bunny.

But yesterday, when this, if I may say so, Sunny, first painted the wallpaper, then walked around for a long time, whining and didn’t know what to do with himself, (accidentally) spilled a plate of borscht at dinner, and then suddenly trudged into our bedroom at 12 at night, like once we started... I was ready to squash him against the wall.

“There are days when you give up, and there are no words, no music, no strength,” said the poet. On such days, everything is annoying, the only thing you want to do is lie low and not get in touch for five hundred years. But there are these little bloods and flowers of life nearby, and you need to contact them, answer the same questions a hundred times, withstand this measured and maddening beating of someone else’s energy against yourself. And at the same time remain kind, accepting, affectionate, caring. If you can.

However, if you look closely, it turns out that in our aggression towards children there are gradations, shades, and an ATTENTIVE person is able to distinguish between them. And then it’s easier: name it, realize it, choose an antidote.

So, three different degrees of aggression:

• Irritation
• Fury

Stage one

Irritation

Irritation is a legitimate reaction to manipulation. For any room, not just for children. After all, what is manipulation? This is when you receive two diverse messages from your interlocutor, but you can only respond to one.

For example.

“Maaam, well, I’ll go spend the night with Sasha, you keep saying that you’re tired and want to be alone.”

At one level, this seems to be a question and a request: is it possible for a child to do something that, in general, is not allowed. Or it is allowed, but in special cases. Or it’s allowed in general, but this particular (this) Sasha causes a pronounced negative reaction in you. And the child knows about it.

On another level, the phrase looks like caring about you. Or maybe, as a hidden reproach, a hint that you are not coping with your parental responsibilities and, most likely, will not receive the title of “Best Mother in the World” this year.

This is precisely why manipulation irritates us: no matter how you react, you will still end up losing, because there is a second layer. You respond to a direct message (“No, you can’t spend the night at Sasha’s, because you can’t”), and, like an ace out of your sleeve, they poke you in the nose with a deceitful “but you can rest!” And if you try to respond to concern (“Oh, really, I’m tired!”), you immediately feel an invisible knife at your throat: “Well, so I’m off?”

Irritation accumulates and sometimes breaks out at the wrong time and at the wrong time. It's like sand in your shoe: it seems like a small thing, but it interferes with your life. How to deal with it?

The manipulations must be exposed. But we can do this only if we do not experience internal discord, which our interlocutor is able to play on. In other words, if you doubt your right to set prohibitions, if you are really afraid of not being the best mother in the world, or are not sure that strict boundaries are exactly what your teenager needs... Then the little manipulator will definitely feel it and will continue to hit the sore spot.

So the only tactic in the fight against manipulation is an open and unambiguous message: no, you know that you can’t spend the night with Sasha. And if you really care about me, please iron your shirt for tomorrow.

(Someday I will write about how to deal with your own manipulative parents).

Very young children, from the age of two and a half, begin to manipulate, and at first it is very, very visible, so it also causes affection. Closer to the age of seven, manipulations become more subtle and begin to seriously anger, you want to “put them in their place.” In addition, six- and seven-year-olds are already excellent at lying and being cunning; parents have to be constantly on guard.

“And grandma said that it’s good for children to let them run wild sometimes.” She (baby) does not say that the grandmother commented on the excellent Swedish cartoon about Pippi Longstocking, and what was said absolutely does not apply to those present. And you are angry at your grandmother, who always knows everything better than you, and at the little girl, who has been asking for good things for a long time, scolding her for the pigsty in the room, and at herself, who is not able to keep track of everyone. And the little girl is just averting your eyes so that you don’t notice the note in red ink in your geometry notebook.

Use your irritation as a signal system, not as an excuse to start a scandal. You will still need strength in the next stages.

Stage two

Anger

Anger is a much brighter and hotter emotion. It is believed that anger is about a struggle for power. When your child begins to figure out who is more important here and by whose rules we will live today, then the scarlet color begins to darken your eyes.

Anger is like fuel injection into a turbocharged engine. An instant adrenaline rush that turns the quiet and peaceful Cat Leopold into a fire-breathing monster: “I’ll show you now!!” What will I show you? And to whom?

And now I’ll show you all, little scoundrels, who is the oldest, the most important, the biggest here. And you will quickly get scared and begin to listen to me.

For some reason, the petty scoundrels decided that they don’t have to be afraid and continue to pursue their opportunistic line: “You say that I’m an adult, then why don’t you trust me? And if you trust me, then why don’t you remove the time limit from the computer?”

If you have already reached the boiling point, then you have lost. This is a surprisingly sobering discovery. You can simply scream, without words, with one low uterine sound AAAAAA! With your mouth open, towards nowhere, without address, imitate the scream of King Kong or Tarzan. Then exhale and say clearly, but more calmly: I’m terribly angry. Listen to yourself. What's happening to you now? At what level is your anger? If shouting helped, the intensity should decrease slightly. If not, you are still seething, you can throw something soft at the wall, a toy, a pillow, the main thing is not as a child.

Recent research seems to show that after expressing anger in words or actions (non-violent), some people feel WORSE. I can assume that these people are too harshly raised girls who were once and for all forbidden to be angry, because “good girls don’t get angry.”

They're still so angry, but they don't know how to show it.

Since I myself scream extremely unconvincingly (it’s terribly offensive, yes, you’re full of anger here, and they laugh), I learned to take a “threatening pose”: hands on my hips, nostrils flaring, my whole appearance shows that I’m very, very determined serious. And I begin to speak very SLOWLY and clearly. It's scarier than any scream.

Why do I explain in such detail exactly how to scare children? Because (see above) anger is a marker of a power struggle. And in the family, the power must be with the parents, otherwise the whole system will collapse and Chaos, that is, revolution, will reign. Does everyone remember what happens after a revolution? But it was just a rebellion of children against their parents. We don't need civilian casualties, so we'll try to make everyone happy.

Take time and look on the Internet for materials on non-violent communication with children. These skills are invaluable, they allow the situation not to lead to an armed confrontation, but, sadly, all children at all times will test our patience. This is what they were born for.

Stage three

Fury

It is extremely rare for young children to drive their parents to white heat or rage. Rage means that someone rudely and deliberately violated your boundaries, hurt you very much, you can barely restrain yourself from physical violence, and more than anything else you want to break something valuable (and what is our most valuable thing? A child, of course).

Rage accompanies almost the entire teenage period. The matured child has already come out from under the cover of childish behavior, childish smell, and voice. Our biological systems begin to recognize him as another adult, sometimes a stranger. But internally the child is still ours, we expect familiar reactions from him, and so does he.

Most often we are talking about incest. Yes, yes, and there is no need to make big eyes. Children in general are terribly tempting cutlets. And they know about it. But usually cultural and social norms curb sexual impulses, so everyone is safe.

Except teenagers. Who have already sensed their strength, including male and female, and can inadvertently touch you to the quick with it.

How? Very simple. Sleeping in your bed in the absence of the legal owners, for example. When kids do this, it’s touching and understandable: he’s lonely, the pillow smells like mom, and, of course, his parents’ bed is warmer and calmer. But when YOU smell another male or female in your room... This is where even the most humane humanists go crazy.

Or if the child systematically “marks the territory”: as if by chance, he leaves his little things in your favorite places. Although he was told a million times. Or your 15-year-old daughter takes your sweater without asking, and now it smells like her deodorant. All these things instantly turn on (not even in the head, but somewhere in the spinal cord) first-class uncontrollable rage. Because there is a threat to the survival of the species, the population.

Resume

1. Aggression is the oldest biological reaction to irritation; it is at least presumptuous to think that it can be restrained or not noticed.
2. You can distinguish the DEGREE of intensity of an emotion: from irritation (“I’m itching all over,” a conventionally yellow-pink color, unpleasant, but tolerable) through anger (bright red, hot, loud) to the white heat of rage (you no longer scream, but hiss like molten metal).
3. Irritation means that they are trying to manipulate you, anger - that you are embroiled in a power struggle, rage - that the boundaries of your intimacy have been violated.
4. Sometimes we confuse the source of irritation due to the similarity of symptoms: we feel bad from loud sounds, too dry air, high blood pressure, and we rush at children because we rushed to conclusions.
5. You can and should react with your body, read in detail:
6. Take care of yourself, get enough sleep, don’t allow yourself (and your children) to faint from hunger - coping with rabies will become much easier.

(I promise to continue the topic of the connection between physical and mental states).