Parents of teenagers notice that after about 14 years, any explanation given by them is met with hostility by the child. Why? Because the child has grown up. After (from birth to 5 years) came, and now we are approaching the “friend” stage. How to behave with a teenager in order to maintain a relationship, says psychologist Satya Das.

The last stage of growing up is called "friend". From about the age of fourteen, parents should understand that the child has already grown up. Everything that you could put and explain into it, you have already explained and put into it. If you haven’t invested, it’s too late to invest, nothing will change.

And in fact, this is the most difficult stage. If we can somehow imagine and make a child a “king” or a “student,” then we do not perceive him as a friend at all. How can someone who peed in diapers, threw a cat out of the window at four years old, and did a lot of stupid things like that, be a friend?

What does a child friend mean? Is he really supposed to be your friend? It's unlikely that this will work. But at the same time, you are obliged to speak to the child in the same words and with the same intonation as when communicating with your real adult friend.

Imagine that you come somewhere with a friend and live in the same hotel room. And so he didn’t make the bed in the morning, and it annoys you.

How will you tell him about this? You will try to do it more gently so that he doesn’t get offended in response and tell you to go to hell. And you order your child to remove this bed without thinking about how he will perceive it. But this commanding tone will offend him just as much as it would offend your friend.

Let’s say that until the age of five your child is not a “king,” from five to fourteen he is a slave, not a “student,” and after fourteen he also does not become a friend. What will happen then? He will run away from you. Do you know what this approach is called? Mockery, emotional aggression towards a child.

Until the age of five, a child who is treated this way cries. From five to fourteen years old he will be offended, silent and closed. From fourteen he will begin to snap, and you will consider that it has begun.

Adolescence is a myth

But in fact, adolescence is a myth; it does not exist. It is clear that teenagers have more hormones, but when children become uncontrollable, it means that adults mocked and pressed, and children finally learned to resist, snap back and defend themselves.

If a child was subjected to emotional aggression before the age of fourteen, then at the age of fourteen there is not a “hormonal explosion”, but simply the child will grow to the age when he has gained strength to begin to resist aggression. If these are physically strong boys, then at this stage they may well respond to the father who puts pressure on them simply physically. And parents attribute this to a hormonal explosion and adolescence.

The best thing you can do with a child over fourteen years old if you have problems with him is to leave him alone.

You call this a transition period because this did not exist before, but now it has suddenly appeared. You hope that the transition period will end with age, but in fact the problems will not go away and will move to a new level. And I urge you not to put pressure on children, but to educate yourself.

When a child learns to snap back, his next step will be to try to run away from you. Don’t be surprised if your sixteen-year-old son wants to go to study somewhere in the wilderness for some completely exotic specialty or, at the age of fifteen, go to some terrible vocational school on the other side of the country. And you think: “Yes, I myself came from Nizhny Tagil to St. Petersburg, and he wants to leave God knows where from here, why is he doing this, why?”

But in fact, he does all this because he dreams of only one thing - to get away from you, because you are the aggressor in his life. He needs to go somewhere to be away from his crazy parents, who are already fed up with him, and that’s why he goes somewhere far away.

A girl has much more opportunities to escape than a boy. She can go away to study, or she can get married. If your daughter, at the age of sixteen, ran off with some suspicious guy on a motorcycle and they got married, then this means that you bullied the poor girl. Perhaps when she is thirty-six and you are fifty-eight, you will restore the relationship. But it is not a fact that this will happen.

If you don't do the right thing at every step, problems will inevitably arise. Remember how you felt as a teenager when your parents did not treat you as a friend. Don't repeat their mistakes.

At the age of fourteen, a child should become a friend, and nothing else. I had one student - a very colorful personality. When he first came to my classes, I asked:

What's happened?

He says:

Yes, you see, I have a problem with my children.

What's the problem?

They don't listen to me at all. I tell them, but they don't listen. We've been at loggerheads for a long time. I turn to them, and they answer - get out of here, leave us alone.

I ask, how old are the children? I think ten and twelve.

And he answers:

Twenty five and twenty seven.

Listen, my friend, don’t you think that you are about twelve or thirteen years late with moral teachings?

How late were you? But I'm their father.

That's it, from the age of fourteen they should be your friends.

But we are already friends with them.

Look, you and I are friends. If I start teaching you, telling you what you should wear, what you should eat, how you should think, who to pray to, and the like, what will you do?

I'll send you!

That's how they sent you.

But they are my children!

No, you decide whether you are their friend or not.

And he worried for so long, then the man was released. He began to come to classes happy, because it turned out that his children were not as bad as he thought. He just started being friends with them. Just like he was friends with older men. According to the principle: if you want to know how you are doing, find out if you can help with something - help, they don’t ask you - shut up. And it turned out that his children are adults, with their own interests, quite normal, and they don’t send him anywhere else.

When your child turns fourteen, become his friend. If he is five years old, make sure he becomes a proper "learner." And if he was just born, do not forget that he is a “king”.

I am sometimes asked how these periods of parenting transition from one to the next. Won't the child be shocked that instead of a "king" he suddenly became a "student"?

Don't worry. This transition does not happen in two seconds - turn five years old - and bam, they immediately transferred to “disciples”. The transition period is maturing gradually. My child and I started becoming friends about a year before he turned fourteen. And I slowly prepared myself for this.

The problem is not with the child, the problem is with the parents. They need to not miss the right moment and not become dull. You have to tell yourself - that's it, the child is my friend. And I don’t check my friends’ diaries. I can’t lecture him and say something like that, because I had to say everything before he was fourteen.

To ensure that a teenager’s responsibilities in the family do not become a source of many conflicts, you must adhere to the following rules:

• Agree with your child that he will be fully responsible for the cleanliness and order in his own room. He monitors the cleanliness himself, decides when and how to do the cleaning, and carries it out himself. When making an agreement with your teenager, do not forget to outline the scope of these “when” and “how”.
• Try to do the cleaning together (everyone cleans “their own” territory).
• Try not to order; friendly interaction is much more effective.
• Don't be shy to ask for help. Make him feel like he is helping you as an adult would.
• When necessary, gently but firmly remind your child of his responsibilities. Sometimes a teenager simply forgets about promises.
• Create a friendly atmosphere. Let the child know that, for example, cooking together will be complemented by friendly conversations.

By adolescence, a child shows a tendency to maintain cleanliness that was instilled in him since childhood, so it will not be possible to change the situation dramatically. This requires patience and understanding. If you try to negotiate with your child, then gradually he will meet you halfway.

How to prevent smoking?

At this age, children often begin to become familiar with the vices of adult life: cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. To help your child develop a negative attitude towards bad habits, you need to:

Before you do anything with a difficult teenager, pay attention to your (and your spouse’s) attitude towards him, to the psychological environment in which the child grows up. Difficult teenagers often become unloved children. None of the parents are immune from this misfortune, even those who endlessly love their rebellious offspring.

It is difficult to be happy and develop correctly when you feel like you are not needed by anyone, when there are quarrels and discord between parents at home, when there are problems with peers or teachers at school. Unloved children do not have favorable soil for growth and development.

This is how others (and first of all, parents) create a difficult teenager with their own hands. The child not only suffers from an incorrect attitude towards him, but also turns out to be guilty of all sins (those around him usually blame him for the “difficulties” and “wrongness”).

To correct the current situation, parents, first of all, need to understand the essence of the phenomenon with the self-explanatory name “”, then it will be clear what needs to be changed in the relationship with the child, as well as in the environment that surrounds him. When you start working on mistakes, don’t count on quick results. You will have to re-gain the trust the teenager has lost and treat him with your love.

Even if you eliminate only intra-family problems and provide the child with love, understanding, respect and decent advice, the situation in the family will slowly but steadily improve. But you need to act on all fronts where the child has so far fought alone (help him improve relationships with others, put things in order in his studies, etc.).

To guide a teenager in the right direction, a certain combination of actions is required:

• Qualitative example of parents.
• At the same time, a kind attitude and strict discipline on the part of the father.
• Patience and love of a mother.

To be fair, it should be said that a teenager can become difficult due to other circumstances: heredity, illness, etc. In this case, parents also should not despair, they should try to correct the situation as much as possible.

How to improve relationships?

You need to make your child feel that he is loved unconditionally. Neither grades, nor the opinions of others - nothing can reduce parental love.

A parent must convince a teenager of a simple truth: mom and dad are their child’s most devoted friends and protectors. They will fight to the last, will protect their offspring even in situations where he is wrong. Therefore, with any trouble, with any problem, a teenager, first of all, should go to his parents. Let them scold for the offense, but they will do everything possible and impossible to get their child out of the swamp of troubles.

We must strive to create a trusting relationship between parents and teenagers. It is necessary to communicate not only on important topics, which are also often unpleasant for both parties. You need to communicate on a friendly wave as often as possible, strive to ensure that spending time together brings pleasure to all family members (going to the cinema, going on an excursion, etc.).

You need to be friends with your child, show interest in his hobbies, discuss some events together (for example, the plot of a new film), and sometimes have a heart-to-heart talk. Thanks to friendly communication, the teenager will begin to value your opinion and listen to your advice (as opposed to orders, which are very often perceived extremely negatively by teenagers).

How to improve your relationship with your teenage daughter?

The relationship with a teenage daughter needs to be improved, first of all, by the mother. The ideal mother is a mother-friend. People turn to her for advice, seek her support, trust her with secrets, and make important decisions with her.

The task of a loving mother is to prepare her daughter for an independent life as best as possible. It is necessary to teach a teenager how to manage a household, because in adult life, incompetent girls face a lot of problems. Noticing the lack of useful skills, those around them usually do not skimp on caustic remarks and readily label the young woman as a slob or a bad housewife, which hurts her self-esteem. The inexperience of the housewife, as well as her reluctance to perform traditionally feminine duties, often become the cause of conflicts in a young family.

Mom’s task is to properly orient her daughter, explain to her how life works, and teach the girl everything she needs. The father must provide his daughter with a sense of security, must approve and encourage the acquisition of useful skills, and serve as an example that the girl will follow when choosing a life partner. Parents, using the example of their family, should show the girl the correct model of relationships in the “unit of society.”

How to improve your relationship with your teenage son?

First of all, the father must establish a relationship with his teenage son, since only a man can develop masculine qualities in a young man. The father needs to try to establish a calm, trusting relationship with his son, tell him how the world of men works, how to behave in order to be respected by others, and offer help if any problems arise.

The father must teach the boy men's housework. If the family has a car or motorcycle, it is worth preparing the teenager to pass the license exam, as well as teach how to repair vehicles. For many young people, the prospect of driving a car or motorcycle is very tempting, so you should not miss this opportunity to make friends with your son and gain authority with him.

The father, by his example, shows his son what a man should be, what a man’s life should be like. If the head of the family has bad habits, then it is not surprising that the son will sooner or later copy his father’s behavior.

Mom still has a very important role - to love, care and protect her grown-up child. Mom is the standard of female behavior. Many young people in the future, when choosing a life partner, will take the behavior of their mother as a model.

Love and care can work miracles; they can save any family and fix the most difficult relationships. Don’t give up in a difficult situation, look for a way out both on your own and with the help of specialists (psychologist, psychotherapist, etc.). Go for it, and you will succeed!

We also recommend that parents of teenagers read the article. The article is interesting; among other things, it contains a detailed example of how to quickly and painlessly wean a child from a bad habit (throwing dirty socks around the room). The same method can be used in other cases. Moms will also find these tips useful.

If you need advice from a psychologist or psychotherapist, then this is the place for you.

Comments

Nina (paid consultation):

These are all correct words, but in life everything is much more complicated. How can a teenager survive at 16 years old if the father has a different family and all the father’s attempts to influence his son’s upbringing are met with hostility, and the mother does not have enough strength to raise two teenage sons!

• Nadezhda:

  Hello. Please tell me how to behave with my 14-year-old daughter, to whom you constantly talk about the order in the room, she agrees, shoves dirty things into corners and closets, and one fine day, when I shoveled these things into the middle of the room, she left the house and came back an hour later. Doesn't answer questions, snaps. What to do?

• Alexandra (paid consultation):

  Please advise what to do? My 16-year-old daughter, when I try to talk to her, it’s always just rudeness and negativity, how to find a common language, we’ve already tried everything, and for good and bad, she lives in her own world and doesn’t let anyone in, neither her father nor her mother. She studies well and that’s all at home, nothing at all doesn’t refuse, doesn’t leave the room at all only for needs, has no friends, doesn’t go for walks. Now I’ve come up with a diet, doesn’t really eat anything, has already lost a lot of weight and still continues

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Alexandra. Try to find the key to your daughter's heart. Each of us has some hobbies. Some people like rock, some like fishing, some like embroidery. It often happens that a person is reluctant to respond to our attempts to communicate with him, but as soon as we ask him a question from his area of ​​​​hobby, how things change. We are pleased to talk about our hobby, as well as our achievements in it. Just be interested sincerely, naturally, as if by the way, just like that (at least that’s how it should seem from the outside). It is unlikely that your daughter will appreciate your initiative if she understands that this is another attempt to find an approach to her. For example, consider this situation. For example, your daughter likes a certain artist (Dima Bilan, Yegor Creed, etc.) and his songs. As if casually, tell your daughter something like: “Today I accidentally heard Bilan’s song. It turns out his songs are normal, I liked them. This song is still spinning in my head...” And then ask something about Bilan or his work. Of course, you should first listen to his songs and read something about him. As soon as you find the key, develop further communication on the same topic. The more keys you find to your daughter, the better. Try to be useful, provide your daughter with some services that are truly valuable to her. Continuing the theme with Bilan: buy her a ticket to his concert (carefully offer your daughter your company to this event, since she has no friends with whom she could go to the concert). Whenever possible, give your daughter various objects or souvenirs on the topic of her hobby (posters with Bilan, magazines or books about Bilan or written by him, CDs with his songs (if your daughter doesn’t already have them)). Become, if not a fan of Bilan, then a person who is regularly interested in him and his work. Then you will always have a “good reason” for contacting your daughter (for example, interesting news for her from the life of her idol). What other keys can be used? 1) Preparation for exams. Think about how you can help your daughter: hire a tutor, buy books for self-study, help select theoretical or practical material, etc. It is better, of course, to ask your daughter what kind of help she needs. But if you know in advance that you will run into refusal, you can simply buy and give her books. And do not require her to use them. After all, it was just your gift. Of course, if you are going to hire a tutor, then this must be agreed upon with your child. 2) Admission. Talk carefully with your daughter about this topic. Find out what she would like to become, where she would like to go. Treat her wishes with respect, and not as something stupid, immature, naive. Otherwise, you will easily push her away from you. Having chosen a profession, begin selecting those educational institutions where you will send documents. Consult with your daughter, discuss possible options. Here are some topics for conversation that will be of interest to your daughter. You may have to attend courses or a tutor to successfully enroll. In general, do everything to make your child’s admission successful. This will be your common victory. 3) Diet. Your daughter is concerned about her appearance and tries to improve it. You can invite her to act as adults do. For example, visit a nutritionist so that he can develop a diet for her and tell her how to lose weight and how not to. Or give her a gym or fitness membership (first find out if she needs it). Think about what else you can do to help her hobby. And realize your ideas. These are the keys that came to my mind “off the top of my head.” Come up with the rest yourself, based on the things that interest your daughter. Your girl is already big, so try to communicate with her on an equal basis, like an adult with an adult, with respect and in a friendly manner. Teenagers do not like to be treated like children. You need to try to establish FRIENDLY communication with your daughter. And to do this, you need to talk to your child about topics that interest him, so that he is interested in communicating with you. A more advanced level of communication is heart-to-heart conversations. But for this you need the child to trust you, to be able to trust you with his secrets. We need to strive for this. Friendly communication with a child solves the problem of disobedience, “doing nothing.” After all, you don’t want to offend a friend (even if it’s a parent); Whether you like it or not, you need to fulfill a friend’s request, otherwise you risk ruining the relationship. Don't give up if things don't work out at first. Act as if you were taming a wild animal: perhaps it will be long and difficult, perhaps he will let you in a little at a time. Don’t be angry with your daughter for your unsuccessful attempts: after all, you are trying to “tame” her, and she initially did not try to communicate with you. Good luck in finding your keys!

Olesya (paid consultation):

Hello! Please advise how to find a common language with a 17-year-old teenager (my husband’s son has been living with us for a year, studying). The relationship is good both with us and with his mother (she lives in another city). What worries him is that he is nothing at all is not interested, except for playing games on the computer, will not take you outside. He will unlearn. He will come home and lie in bed all day. Answer one - I like it!

• Olesya:

  Thank you very much for the advice. It made me think. They really “put pressure” on the child, and did not negotiate or offer anything in return for the same computer. A new family member has just been added and we are all trying to adapt to each other, find common points of contact, common interests. It’s useful to listen to advice from others. Thanks again.

• Natalia :

  Hello, please tell me how to behave with my 11-year-old daughter. We can’t talk normally, we often break into screams. If you ask for something to do, sometimes he will do it right away, but more often when you start swearing, because he doesn’t hear you either the first or the second time. We quarrel, talk, cry, make up - it doesn’t last long.

• Natalya (paid consultation):

  Please advise how to persuade a child to study
  My son is 17 years old, after school he started studying, but in the middle of the school year he dropped out, no amount of persuasion helps.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Natalya. First you need to find out the reason for refusing to study. Teenagers often do not tell their parents about their difficulties. Therefore, adults often think that the problem arose out of the blue. Actually this is not true. Teenagers, when faced with a problem, often do not see the ways to solve it that adults would see. The fact that your son dropped out in the middle of his first school year leads me to think about a possible reason. In the middle of the year, many educational institutions hold sessions. The approach of the first session in their lives frightens many freshmen. Some teenagers are so unsure of their abilities and are afraid of failing the exam that they drop out of school even before the exams. By the way, the same thing can happen before school exams (OGE and Unified State Exam). Apparently, children reason like this: it is better to leave on your own than to disgrace yourself (failure to pass exams, therefore, leave school without a certificate, be expelled from a university, college, etc.). It is also possible that your son did not have time to submit all the necessary work (tests, essays, etc.) on time. All these problems may seem insoluble to a teenager. There is no one to consult with. You can’t tell your parents: they’ll scold you (I didn’t prepare, I didn’t submit it on time, but I should have). Therefore, the teenager, seeing no other way out, solves the problem radically: he drops out of school. In fact, he would really need support in such a difficult situation for him. For example, a mother who at one time went through all these tests can reassure her son and explain that all students (even well-prepared ones) are afraid of sessions, can tell how best to prepare for sessions, what to do if he fails an exam (and this happens often among the student fraternity). You can hire tutors for particularly difficult subjects. You can, in the end, HELP the teenager do the required work or select the necessary material (for example, theory for each exam question). Which teenager do you think will cope better: the one who struggles with a difficult problem alone or the one who is helped and supported? Of course, fear of exams is not the only reason why teenagers drop out of school. Perhaps relationships with classmates did not work out; there is a conflict with the teacher; the teenager realized that he made a mistake in choosing a specialty (too difficult or uninteresting), etc. Therefore, I advise you not to force your son, but to find out the reason for refusing to study and OFFER him not only WAYS TO SOLUTION THE PROBLEM, but ALSO YOUR HELP. If a teenager is afraid of the exam, help him pass the exams. If there is a conflict with classmates or teachers, analyze the situation and decide together with your child what is best to do: improve relationships here or change the place of study. If a teenager doesn’t like a major, change it to one he likes. In general, if you want to succeed, offer your teenager as many different options for solving the problem as possible. It is possible that he will like one of these options. Be flexible, look for a compromise. For example, a child is ready to study, but only in a different specialty, and because of this he will lose one academic year. No matter how unpleasant the latter may be for you, it is still your victory (you have achieved your goal, the child is ready to learn further). Good luck to you!

• Larisa:

  Hello. If I have no desire to improve relations with the teenager’s father, because everyone has their own reasons for discord. The child still sees where the parents love each other, where they are just pretending. Your advice is superficial. I think the mother just needs to respect herself and not give offense. be above petty squabbles and the teenager will then understand who the parents are and what they are like. The father smokes a lot, grumbles, does not say kind words and does not teach anything, drinks vodka in the evenings, although he is not an alcoholic, how can my mother protect him? Your advice is superficial, unfortunately. I’m just trying to be friends with my son and respect his opinion.

• Larisa:

  All these “Sovdepov’s” postulates have long outlived their usefulness and it’s time for you, psychologists, to bring at least some fresh air into the discussion of such an interesting topic as the upbringing of teenagers. Why not instill in your child a sense of freedom of choice, the confidence that if there is no love, then you need to say goodbye to your partner with dignity, and not blame him, blaming him for all your troubles, take responsibility and cultivate courage in making decisions. So. teach your child not to be afraid of change and to understand that no one owes anyone anything, that what you sow is what you reap! In general, it’s not interesting to read you. Sorry.

• Galina (paid consultation):

  Hello! I’m wondering, how can a grandmother find an approach to a teenager? My granddaughter is 14 years old and often has conflicts with her parents (one child in the family). One of these days they will bring her to live with us for the summer, so I’m thinking. Of course I will cherish my granddaughter, as if within reason.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Galina. You can focus on the advice that is offered to parents. Take every piece of advice as an idea. And then decide for yourself how best to use it in the existing circumstances, and in general, whether you will use it or not. It is, of course, much easier for grandparents to be “good” to their grandchildren than for parents. After all, a large proportion of conflicts between teenagers and adults arise due to children’s failure to fulfill some school responsibilities (not sitting down for lessons on time, getting a bad grade, not preparing for exams, etc.). Fortunately, school is on vacation in the summer. One less topic for contention. Of course, teenagers have different personalities. It's easy to get along with some people, difficult to get along with others. But we should not forget that the character of a child is not only natural inclinations, but also the result of parental upbringing. Flaws in a child’s character are very often a “flaw” of the parents (what he was taught to do, he does; what he was not taught to do, he does not do). Therefore, by the way, I want to say once again that a difficult child is a victim of some parental mistakes in his upbringing. And blaming a difficult child for his difficulties (as is customary in our society) is unfair and cruel, because he had no choice (to become “good” or “difficult”). I would like to make a reservation that when I mention a difficult child, I do not mean your granddaughter, but I am talking about children in general (just as an example). Often grandmothers do not want to actively participate in the process of raising their grandchildren. After all, it is often associated with conflicts with the younger generation, which grandmothers seek to avoid. They simply turn a blind eye to children’s shortcomings, without trying to correct them, and do not make special demands on children. Therefore, grandchildren, visiting such grandmothers, live as if in paradise. You don’t have to go to school, you don’t have to do homework, you sleep as much as you like, you can go to bed late, you don’t have to worry too much about housework, you don’t read lectures. Personally, I really like this “policy” of grandmothers. In the end, they have already raised their children (and this is hard work), now let the children raise their grandchildren. When the words “carefree childhood” are mentioned, the adult grandchildren of such grandmothers remember with warmth and tenderness their grandparents, their home, and the time spent there as children. These memories warm a person throughout his life and help him endure life’s difficulties with dignity. The choice is yours: which “policy” in communicating with your grandchildren you like best, choose that one. If you manage to establish a good relationship with a teenager, he will listen to your words, your opinion will have weight for him, and your requests will not go unanswered. In this case, you may even be able to put something into the heads and souls of your grandchildren or teach them something. One of the problems that grandmothers face is the reluctance of their grandchildren to help with housework. Here are some tips on this topic. No one (including children and teenagers) likes to be forced to do so, to be poked at with their own mistakes. Nobody likes communication like “boss - subordinate” (when one ordered, the other did). But many children will willingly respond to a request for help if their grandmother, who, due to her age, has a backache, asks for help. If a child feels sorry for you, he will be much more willing to respond to your request. A request for help is much more effective than an order or instruction to carry out some task. Because in the first case, you seem to be cooperating with the child, and in the second case, you force him. That's why do not “order”, but ask for help. Of course, there is no need to refer to illness every time. But the fact that the grandmother is already old and without the help of her grandchildren will not be easy for her is something children and teenagers should know. You can talk to them about this once at the very beginning of the holidays: 1) explain in human terms why you need help with housework And 2) what are the risks of excess physical activity?(your legs, back, head, etc. will hurt). 3) After this, ask your child for help with household chores(this does not mean a one-time act of help, but help throughout the entire time the child is visiting you). 4) Try to get his voluntary, rather than forced, consent to such help. Please note the following. During the conversation, refer to specific pain (pain in the back, legs, etc.), and not to diagnoses (“hypertension will develop,” “blood pressure will increase,” etc.). The specific pain is clear to the child, but the diagnoses are not (it is not clear what hurts and whether it hurts at all). When agreeing with your child for help, give examples of the tasks that you will ask him to complete (go to the store, sweep the floor, etc.). It is difficult even for an adult to make a promise to help if he does not know what kind of help, how often and in what volumes will be needed. If there are any other difficulties associated with a teenager, then you can act on the same principle: talk “humanely” with the teenager, explain your point of view (try to convince him of the fairness of your requests) and agree amicably on the result you need. Good luck to you!

Galina:

Thank you! I hope I can handle it. I’m only 55, so I’ll hang out with my granddaughter!!! I completely agree with you, teenagers are not born difficult; they become so when they approach the child in the wrong way (I can’t convince my daughter of this). Thanks again.

• Irina :

  Hello, I read the correspondence of my 13-year-old daughter in contact in secret from her (on guard in connection with death groups and in general it was interesting), as it turned out, she has been corresponding with a young man 30 years old from Novosibirsk (2700 km from us) since November 2016, as I understand it , met somewhere in groups dedicated to games. The daughter confesses her love to him, collecting her thoughts for a long time, the daily dialogue consists of how are you? how was your day? good night or am I “depra” he writes - I’m going to go out the window!!! I’m terribly scared, I’m thinking about what to do, at first I wanted to write to him directly, but I think that he will tell her, and this is a rift with my daughter, what if I’m not without reason worried!!!

• Irina (paid consultation):

  I’m raising my daughter alone. I started smoking, she comes home late, she talks (get off, leave me alone), I start scolding her, she says I’ll leave the house. What should I do? How should I behave? Maybe I’ll push her. Tell me how to improve the relationship?

• Svetlana (sample of paid consultation):

  Hello Elena. Please help me with advice. I am the aunt of a 14-year-old teenager (his mother's younger sister). We lived in different cities, but when my sister was born, she lived with us for the first time and I nursed him. I love him very much, I always spoiled him. I tried to build friendly relationships, he calls me by my first name. 4 months ago, my sister’s husband died, leaving the business. My sister is at her main job until five and then goes to her husband’s office and stays there until nightfall. She asked me to move in with her to help with the children and everyday life. She also has a 9-year-old son. My 8 year old daughter and I moved in with them. I got a job, my daughter went to the same class as her youngest son (she went to school a year earlier) And then he was replaced. He became aggressive. He offends the kids, calls him names, makes them do everything, but does nothing himself. In response to my comments, he told me that I was nobody to him, that he was the heir and would kick us out of their house if he wanted. I told my sister about this, but it was a very gentle conversation. The situation has not changed. The sister doesn’t notice anything, doesn’t want to listen to anything and, of course, protects him in everything. And he, feeling his mother’s support, behaves more and more indecently. I'm trying to explain to him that I'm here at the request of his mother to take care of them and help them for the first time. It seems to be listening but silent. But after a couple of days he is rude again. I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave her alone at such a moment. And I love him very much. I don’t know what approach to find, I don’t want this, I don’t like this, I don’t like this. I tried not to pay attention at all. So he generally began to treat me like a house worker, whether I cooked or ironed his clothes. I'm desperate.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Svetlana. Since your nephew has just experienced a tragedy, you need to act carefully so as not to provoke even bigger problems. 1) Do not get involved in “exchanging pleasantries” based on emotions (do not respond to rudeness with rudeness). Stop each episode of rudeness calmly but decisively. In response to rudeness and rudeness, it is better to calmly and confidently note that it is unacceptable to talk to parents and other adults in such a tone, and invite the teenager to be alone for some time to calm down. When the emotions of all participants in the conflict subside, it is necessary to discuss what exactly led to the conflict, what experiences the parents (or other family member) had as a result, how the teenager felt, and how to resolve the misunderstanding that arose. This should be the case ideally, but it does not always work out in practice. We need to try.

    Elena Lostkova:

    2) Try to avoid conflict situations. Analyze what situations provoke conflict. For example, you have prepared food and call your teenager to dinner. But he still doesn’t come. You return and begin to make claims to him: “How long can you wait?” And he responds by throwing some kind of barb at you. How can we do this differently? Perhaps it’s worth stopping at the first invitation (they came, politely invited and that’s all). And the rest (whether it will come or not) does not concern you. Perhaps you should take this position: I help my sister with housework and caring for the younger children, and raising a teenager is her task. He didn’t come to dinner, didn’t sit down for homework on time, etc. - let the sister herself conduct educational conversations with her son. You can argue that he still doesn’t listen to you, and when you start insisting, this leads to conflict. Your job is to remind the teenager once about completing the next duty (for example, “5 o’clock. It’s time to sit down for homework”) and no longer insist or control him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    3) If you need to make a remark to your nephew, also do it calmly and confidently. Not in an angry, not irritated, not offended tone, but in a calm, neutral tone. No need for long lectures. They said 1-2 phrases and left. Think in advance about what phrase you will say to him. There should be no aggression or “assault” in your tone or words. Otherwise, he will definitely want to say something offensive to you in response. For example, you could say: “Stop making little ones wash the dishes for you! Go my own way!” (with this phrase you seemed to hint that your nephew is bad and his action is bad, and even ordered him to do something). It’s better to say something neutral: “The kids have their responsibilities, you have yours. Everyone washes their own dishes” (it turned out not to be a personal appeal to a teenager, but a statement of fact). You see, in the second phrase we avoided all three unpleasant moments for a teenager that were present in the first phrase. If, nevertheless, he is rude in response, again in a calm and confident tone (without your personal emotions), answer him: “You cannot talk to adults in such a tone” (Did you notice that this phrase again simply states a fact?) or “In such a tone I won’t talk.” And leave. The main thing is not to let him drag you into a squabble. You did your job (you didn’t ignore the act or rudeness, you responded to it correctly), and leave bringing the upbringing of the teenager to the ideal for the mother. Don’t control whether he washed the dishes or not, don’t force him to fulfill his duty, and don’t tell him anything else about this particular act (if he doesn’t wash the dishes next time, reprimand him again). And even if he doesn’t come and wash the dishes after himself. It's okay, this is no longer your concern. If you still decide to wash it yourself, then do it so that your nephew does not notice it. For example, the dishes he hasn’t washed stand alone in the sink until the evening (what if he decides to check?), and after dinner you wash them with all the other dishes. Otherwise, he will decide that if he doesn’t do it, then someone will definitely do it for him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    4) What to do if a teenager asks you for help (I mean some household chores, and not something serious related to life and health)? If he asks rudely, calmly and confidently inform him that you will not fulfill a request made in such a tone. If he asks normally, help him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    5) Children always have a good sense of who can sit on the neck (the weak) and who cannot (the strong). Even at school, one teacher can be rude, but not another, as this is fraught with unpleasant consequences. Therefore, perhaps you forgave your nephew too much, when you should not have ignored any such episode of rudeness. During conflicts, do not let your teenager get emotional. Always remain calm and confident. Emotions and kindness are often perceived by children (and adults) as weakness. And calmness and self-confidence are like strength. This is how we distinguish strong people from weak ones.

    Elena Lostkova:

    6) The problem of rudeness and rudeness of teenagers faces many parents. This is due to age-related mental characteristics. Perhaps the problem existed before your arrival.

    Elena Lostkova:

    7) Pay attention to the manner of communication of your sister (in relation to you). It happens that children copy the behavior of their parents. For example, a child treats his mother the same way his father treats her. And vice versa, he communicates with dad the way mom communicates with him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    8) It is possible that you embarrassed the teenager with your arrival. Many people look forward to the departure of guests, despite the fact that these guests are loved and useful to them. Try to understand exactly what inconveniences the teenager is experiencing and try to remove those that are possible. Maybe younger children are pestering him? If your teen doesn't like it, don't let them do it. Maybe he wants to be alone in the room? Give him this opportunity at least temporarily by keeping the younger children busy with some activity in another room.

    Elena Lostkova:

    9) Try to objectively evaluate how you communicate with a teenager. What phrases do you say to him, in what tone? Remember yourself as a teenager and try to imagine whether you would like such treatment or not. Don't you treat him like a small child? Are you trying to control his actions (did he eat, did his homework, etc.). Teenagers often have conflicts with parents and other family members on this basis. Teenagers begin to rebel because they do not agree that they are still considered small and controlled in everything. Try giving him more freedom and less control. Maybe, he rebels because you took on the role of parent(which in itself involves frequent encounters with conflict situations). Maybe we should give this up? And then some of the conflict situations will simply disappear.

    Elena Lostkova:

    Elena Lostkova:

    11) It’s good if you manage to establish such trusting communication. During it, you may be able to find out the true reasons why he treats you so disrespectfully. Maybe, knowing them, you will be able to establish a relationship with him. But mom needs to try to establish such a trusting relationship. The teenager recently experienced a tragedy. Plus there is a hormonal change in the body. Plus, his life has changed a lot (his dad is no more, his mother is almost never at home, his aunt arrived with a small child). In fact, the boy lost both parents. Mom comes very late, all tired, all her attention goes to other family members (aunt, younger brother, etc.). Mom only pays attention to him when he has done something, but such conversations are hardly pleasant for both of them. The teenager was left alone, alone with his pain. There is no one to have a heart-to-heart talk with, all emotions are boiling inside, which is very bad for any person. So he just wants to be left alone, since they can’t give him what he needs. Mom urgently needs to shift her focus from work to children. I understand that this is very difficult, but it must be done. Otherwise, she only increases the burden of tragedy that has fallen on the shoulders of her children. It is necessary for the mother to spend more time with the children, and spend it pleasantly for the children: talking with them, playing, reading, going to the cinema, etc. It is necessary to express your love through touching (kissing, hugging, etc. .), but only if the children do not react negatively to this. From time to time you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your children. Such confidential communication is the pinnacle of parenting skills. During such conversations, parents can convey to their children what was not possible before. Because at such moments, children not only listen, but also hear their parents. It would be a sin not to use them for educational purposes. You just need to structure the conversation correctly. You should completely forget about notations. It’s just that both sides should share their experiences and concerns; somewhere you need to sympathize, take pity on the child; if there are comments on his behavior, then they need to be made very carefully so as not to offend him, and you also need to explain why this is wrong from the parent’s point of view, what this can lead to, and report that the parent is very worried about this, because he is afraid that the child will get into trouble. And all this should be done sincerely, not feignedly, and not as a burden for both parties. Confidential communication is also psychological help from parents to their children. Good luck to you!

Oksana (sample of paid consultation):

Hello, Elena. My son is 18 years old, he entered a university in another city, and is a first-year student. Yesterday I found out that he missed classes, and most importantly, he lies to me that he is in the classroom studying. And then it says that it has not found the academic building. I believe that these are just excuses, since he loves to play computer games. Now the money on his card is running out, so I’m tormented by doubts: will I do the right thing if I punish him with a ruble for the weekend? Or will it be worse? He calmly missed 4 pairs, and he’s lying to me, he doesn’t consider himself guilty

• Elena Lostkova:

  Hello, Oksana. The right thing to do would be to talk to your son frankly, but in a humane, kind way. In general, if possible, have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Find out why he misses classes, tell him about the consequences of such absenteeism and your feelings about this, about your worries that your son may have problems because he does specific things incorrectly. Try to talk in such a way that your son understands that you are worried not about the studies themselves, but about him, for his well-being, for his happiness. Tell him that the first session is very important. That not everyone passes the test in the first session, because they realize it too late and do not have time to prepare. As a result, they are either expelled, or they quit their studies before the actual session (they are afraid of exams and are confident that they will not pass them). To prevent this from happening, you need to start studying right away, literally from the first days. Of course, you know your son better, but still admit to yourself the thought that he did not play truant or did not play truant for a good reason. We can't tell our parents everything. Perhaps there is a reason, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe he didn’t get along with his peers or with the teacher, or something else. Tell your son that if he has any problems, let him turn to you, you will try to help him. During the conversation, you can amicably agree that if the computer interferes with your studies, you will have to take it away. If he needs a computer for his studies, he will have to go to the university library and study there. Do not use any measures that are unpleasant for your son (take away the computer, deprive you of money, etc.) without prior warning. After all, your goal is to correct your son’s behavior (and not to take things away), so give him the opportunity to take action and correct himself. Warn not aggressively, but calmly, kindly, like you wouldn’t want to do this, but it may turn out that you have to. Choose your words and tone carefully. For example, you can say: “You won’t get another computer” (this is a bad option). Or you can do this: “If the computer interferes with your studies, I will have to take it away. I don’t want you to get into trouble because of him.” Now it is very important how exactly you will communicate with your son: in a good way or in a bad way. When the child is nearby, he can still be forced to study. And when he is far away, how can this be done? No way. Only with the help of confidential communication, when you HEAR the child, and he HEARS you (he hears, in the sense of taking your words into account, listening to them, and not letting them pass by his ears, brains and soul). Remember how you have a heart-to-heart talk with your best friend. The conversation is pleasant for both of you, without tension. You both hear and understand each other's feelings and experiences. Your souls are open to each other at this moment. If one advises the other or asks for something, then the other, without internal resistance, is voluntarily ready to help and fulfill the request. If such communication is possible between two essentially strangers, then between the closest ones (mother and child) it is even more possible. You just need to try to establish trusting communication from the very early childhood of the child. And if this has not been done before, then try to do it at least now. Confidential communication is the most powerful educational tool (parents do not force the child, but negotiate with him in an amicable way). Such communication brings parents and child closer together. I have already talked about the advantages of communicating “in a good way”. And now I’ll tell you about the disadvantages of communicating “in a bad way” (parents force the child, use moral and physical violence against him). Such communication creates a gap between parents and child. Both sides do not understand each other and do not want to listen to the words and requests of the other side, conflicts often arise. For both parties, such communication is not comfortable. This is how difficult children and teenagers appear (this is the result of improper parenting). What do we do if communicating with someone constantly upsets us? With such a person we strive to either communicate at a minimum or not communicate at all. So it turns out that while the children are at school, they are nearby (they have no choice), and when they leave home, they forget about their parents, since communication with them was too often unpleasant (I don’t want to continue it). These are the disadvantages of communicating “in a bad way.” I don’t know how exactly you communicate with your son, so I described both options in detail. What to do is your choice. My personal opinion: try to become a FRIEND for your son (to make this happen, figure out for yourself what friends do and don’t do), combine the two roles of “mother” and “friend”. As a result, firstly, you will be able to communicate more often and better with your son at a distance. Secondly, to some extent you will be able to influence his behavior, his actions. Good luck to you!

• Maria:

  Hello, my daughter is 16 years old. She is dating a guy who is 19 years old. He is everything to her! She goes to bed when he calls her. They live with a guy in neighboring cities. He comes to her. I started leaving notes about my pregnancy like “I’m pregnant, don’t tell anyone.” I ask what is this? And she says that they joke around like that in college and it doesn’t mean anything because she’s still little. Grandma calls her and asks how are you? She tells her that I feel sick all the time. Although I know that she has her period. I start asking questions why she is doing this, she screams that grandma made it all up. He says that he lives with us out of necessity. That if I don’t like something, I can refuse it. Her friend left home and refused her mother’s social security benefits; she says that her mother yells all the time. I don't know what to do?

  Maria:

  I’ll add to the previous comment, tell me what to do in situations when my daughter offends me and my husband. Can say anything. And at the same time she accuses us of treating her badly. He doesn't notice the good, only reproaches. Her father lives in another city and did not communicate with her for a long time, settling his personal life. Her stepfather raised her like a daughter. This summer, during a conflict with her, my husband decided to stand up for me and take the phone from her, she did not give it back and had to be taken by force. Before this, the daughter called her husband dad, but now she doesn’t call him at all, she hasn’t spoken to him since the summer. She began to go to her own father and blame me for everything that was happening. I’m so tired and I’m trying to close my eyes to a lot of things, but I’m losing my temper. Please tell me a way out of the situation.

• Anonymous:

  Hello, tell me how to find a common language with a 13-year-old child, my husband is divorced, there is a second husband and a child from a second marriage, for a child I’m bad, he snaps back, he wants to go to live with his dad or grandmother.

• Oksana:

  Hello, I don’t know what to do, I’ve given up, help. My 16-year-old son went to college for a very serious specialty, his choice and dream. I studied for 3 months and it started, I don’t want to go, now I want to take my documents from there altogether. We explain that you will lose a year and what will happen next. Local vocational school-AUTO MECHANIC. We tried to dissuade him as much as we could, but he didn’t care, he said he wouldn’t study at all, but would start working. We explained to him that no one now hires anyone without an education. The atmosphere at home is tense, the teachers spoke well of him, his son doesn’t smoke or drink, but we don’t understand why this adherence to principles and persistence. Everything is fine in our family, my husband and I work, our eldest daughter is married, we all relax together. And my sister and her husband said that with such an education they will take you everywhere with their hands, they don’t want to listen.

• Graffgot:

  Grafskoy Viktor Nikolaevich, born in 1975, native of Moscow.

  Financial advisor and leading analyst at the investment company Aton. Fruitfully collaborated with E3 Investment, known for successful investments in highly liquid real estate.

  An active participant in many business forums, delivering current reports and offering solutions in complex aspects of small and medium-sized businesses.

  Viktor Nikolaevich has been repeatedly noted for actively attracting investment in agriculture in the Krasnodar region. It is impossible not to note the benefits of social activities in the Moscow region, such as charity and patronage.

1. Respect his views and opinions.
2. Don't try to control him in everything.
3. Support him in his quest to look good. Your son is learning to build relationships with girls and your task is to help him with this. This does not mean that you should look for girlfriends for him or comment on the appearance and behavior of all the girls he knows. Just help him feel more confident.
4. Let him choose his own friends. If you see that he has fallen under the influence of unfavorable company, do not express your protest to him in a categorical form, do not forbid him to see his friends - this will only entail a protest and alienation of your son from you. With prohibitions you will achieve only one thing - your son will hide “bad” friends and activities from you. Agree, this is unlikely to be what you are striving for.

No matter what gender your child is, remember that he is an independent person and has the right to remain so. Give your teenager the opportunity to live his own life, make decisions and feel like an adult. This does not mean that you should “let things slide” and allow your son or daughter to do whatever they want. Just respect them and teach them good things, not through moralizing, but through personal example. If you agree on something, then keep your word. You cannot prohibit what you agreed on yesterday just because you are tired or out of sorts.

Allow the teenager to plan his own life, do not force a profession, hobby, or lifestyle on him. Be interested in your child, spend time with him, find a common hobby or entertainment. Let your son help you choose equipment, and let your daughter tell you about youth fashion - teenagers love to “educate”, it helps them feel more confident. Tell your children about your childhood and how you were as teenagers. Learn to listen and hear, because what seems trivial to you, in the eyes of a teenager may be the most important thing in the world. Try to communicate with a teenager not as a child, but as an adult equal to yourself. These simple tips will help you maintain normal family relationships and avoid many troubles.

But not only changes in the child’s appearance indicate that adolescence has arrived. There are symptoms of another kind - the child’s behavior and even his character changes. Just yesterday, an affectionate and obedient child suddenly becomes suspicious, touchy, rude, and categorical. He gets into the habit of arguing with you about everything.

Emotional instability and maximalism, stubbornness and rudeness, often turning into rudeness - this is also an age-related feature that is caused by hormonal storms in the body of a teenager. Adolescence brings changes in everything, including the health status of the teenager. And psychological problems cannot but put additional strain on the child’s physical condition. The main difficulties of adolescence lie precisely in this interweaving of physiological and psychological problems, which come as a complete surprise to the teenager himself. As he embarks on the path of growing up, he has no idea what challenges await him ahead! And very often the teenager’s body begins to malfunction.

Diseases of adolescence can be temporary. Most often, ailments are caused by the fact that some organs and systems do not have time to grow as quickly as the teenager himself grows, and therefore do not fully cope with their functions. Subsequently, they “catch up” with their owner’s growth, and the teenager’s condition returns to normal. The most common diseases of adolescence are acne, vegetative-vascular dystonia and teenage depression.

Problems of adolescence in boys most often begin precisely from the time when he begins to feel an increase in his physical strength and sexual activity. A feature of adolescence in boys can be called their constant feeling of the need to prove to the whole world and, most importantly, to themselves that he is already an adult man, and not a little boy. The need to constantly present proof of his masculinity deprives him of peace of mind and balance. At this time, as a rule, the character of a teenage boy changes dramatically.

Growing up, the boy expects more privileged rights, like adults, but begins to get confused in adult values ​​and again feels like an “independent” “little” boy. This scares him, and fear leads to aggression and nervousness. He tries to change something, but does not know how to do the right thing; tries to behave like an adult, but does not understand the extent of responsibility for his “adult” actions. Trying to understand the contradictions of adult life and his internal positions, a teenager becomes withdrawn, stubborn, shy or, conversely, aggressive and completely uncontrollable.

If a teenager grows up in a friendly family with sensitive, understanding parents, then, as a rule, his parents manage to help the boy realize and show his masculinity. After all, you can, for example, get him involved in sports or other activities, where he could develop his physical strength and look quite courageous in the eyes of others. If a young man does not feel understanding from adults, and, in addition, sees that his parents do not expect any achievements from him, then in such cases adolescents most often assert themselves through idleness, hooliganism, and the development of bad habits.

When a teenager, for whatever reason, has a strong conflict with his father, then, oddly enough, it is their mothers who have to deal with the problems of adolescence in boys the most. If a boy has been afraid of his father since childhood or, conversely, did not have the opportunity to communicate with him, then he will take out his anger and resentment primarily on his mother. In such a situation, it would be best to visit a psychologist with the guy, who would help this young accuser of “all sins” understand his feelings.

In addition, often, realizing their need for competition, they constantly try to be better than their fathers in everything - in sports, in relationships with people, including with the opposite sex - everywhere they try to prove their superiority over their father. And if this cannot be done, and the father has not been able to build friendly relations with his son since childhood, then it is the mother who becomes the object for splashing out aggression. Adolescence in boys causes a constant desire to emphasize their independence from their mother, from her “calf tenderness.” And it is during adolescence that guys develop that spirit of contradiction that makes them do everything to spite their mother: grow their hair when she calls for neatness, get a girlfriend and spend all their time with her when they need to think about studying, start smoking when their mother talks about how harmful it is...

Everyone knows that teenagers are very difficult. But ask yourself a question: is it easy for a teenager to be with himself? The psychology of adolescence is characterized by a predominance of tragic views, with a constant feeling of despair. According to sociologists, every tenth teenager thinks about suicide. And from every fifth person you can hear: “Everything is so bad, sad and hopeless that you want to hide in a corner and cry.” The psychological crisis of adolescence is experienced most difficult by adolescents. The all-consuming feeling of loneliness and despair is terrible for the fragile psyche of a teenager.

Each year, approximately four in 100 teenagers experience serious depression. And if such depression is not treated, the situation may worsen, because clinical depression is a serious illness. It can affect a teenager's thoughts, behavior and overall health.

There are two types of teenage depression:

1. 1overwhelming feeling of sadness, called major depression, or mental, or reactive depression,
2. 2manic depression or bipolar disorder, when frustration and apathy are replaced by a need for active mental activity, which often leads to the commission of rash acts. In particular, to suicide attempts.

Currently, teenage suicide has become the second leading cause of death after accidents. Very often, suicide attempts are unsuccessful, but while girls mostly stop after the first unsuccessful attempt, boys try to repeat their attempts several times.

If we try to identify the main reasons that serve as a prerequisite for teenage suicide, then first of all it is worth mentioning the following:

• deep depression;
• family difficulties, most often parental divorce;
• reluctance of adults to take part in teenage problems.

When adolescence begins, adults need to remember about a danger no less formidable than the suicidal tendencies of adolescents. This is drug addiction. Already at the age of 10, 0.4% of children begin to try drugs. Peak initiation into the potion occurs at 13-14 years of age. At this age, 5-8% of adolescents surveyed had already used drugs at least once. Moreover, teenagers usually never start taking drugs without first starting to smoke and drink alcohol.

Almost everyone today knows what drug addiction is and the devastating consequences it brings. The trouble is that not everyone understands that such a terrible misfortune can happen to any child, even a completely prosperous one. Teenagers are too suggestible, and often they try drugs just for company, out of curiosity, or to “not fall on their face” in the eyes of their peers. But, having tried just once, they find themselves in a vicious circle, and they will no longer be able to get out of there on their own. Therefore, during confidential conversations, it is necessary to try to convince the teenager of the harmfulness of such curiosity. And if a teenager does find himself in trouble, then it is important to notice its signs in time and give the boy or girl a helping hand. If timely treatment is taken, there is hope that the harmful effects of drug use can be limited. But it is impossible to achieve complete relief from drug addiction.

• a sharp decline in academic performance for no apparent reason;
• loss of interest in previous hobbies;
• loss of appetite and painful condition;
• emerging need for money;
• isolation and detachment from friends and family appears;
• the teenager’s mood becomes unpredictable, although aggression and temper predominate;
• antisocial behavior appears;
• the teenager himself constantly tries to pretend that nothing is happening and that there is nothing strange in his behavior.

You should start sounding the alarm only if all of the listed changes in a teenager’s behavior appear together, because adolescence itself has similar symptoms. Only they most often appear separately. But there are also signs by which we can confidently speak about a teenager’s drug addiction:

• complete apathy, which suddenly suddenly changes to an overly excited state;
• constant lies that have no apparent motivation;
• a sharp deterioration in memory and the appearance of problems with logical thinking;
• change in pupil size. From narrowed to a point to expanded with the disappearance of the iris - depends on the drug taken, which does not depend on lighting;
• a state similar to intoxication, but without the smell of alcohol;
• the appearance of a brown coating on the tongue, redness of the whites of the eyes, marks from injections;
• the appearance of smoked dishes, acetic acid, solvents, acetone, etc., syringes and needles at home.

If you find such signs, then without the slightest hesitation and as soon as possible you need to contact a narcologist or psychologist. Under no circumstances should you start blaming your child; on the contrary, find words of support that will give him hope. Remember that this is your common problem, and you will have to look for ways to get rid of it together.

Those parents who have to deal with other adolescent addictions also have to take into account the peculiarities of the psychology of adolescence; not as dangerous as drug addiction, but also not as harmless as it seems at first glance - with gaming and computer addiction.

Modern technologies are developing rapidly, and this development also has a negative side, which primarily affected children. Psychotherapists and psychologists from different countries are confident that children’s obsession with TV, slot machines and the Internet is becoming a real national disaster. The consequences can be very dire, although they will not appear immediately, but after a fairly long period.

Recently, various social networks on the Internet have been actively developing. Communicating in such networks, a teenager creates his own virtual world. Quite quickly, he develops a pathological need to communicate via the Internet with strangers, and parting with the computer world can even lead him to severe mental trauma.

If a child develops a computer or gaming addiction, it is worth considering the help of a psychologist or even a psychotherapist. You should not rely on the fact that when adolescence passes, this “childish” hobby will also pass. After all, the reasons for such dependence can be different - from the inferiority complex that a teenager experiences to a nervous disorder. And these reasons will not disappear on their own. A kind parental word alone is not enough here, although it is also needed. Treatment is necessary, during which the teenager must constantly feel the love and support of his parents.

In adolescence, the symptoms look frightening and cause concern among parents. Sometimes it can be difficult to figure out where changes in a child’s behavior are caused by shortcomings in upbringing, where they are due to the natural process of growing up, and where it is necessary to sound the alarm. Along with the onset of the crisis of adolescence, there comes a crisis in the relationship between parents and children.

The teenager begins to strive for independence, moving away from his parents, while realizing that he still continues to be dependent on them. This dependence weighs heavily on him. In turn, parents feel that their child is growing up and moving away from their influence. He has new interests that he does not want to devote them to. All this leads to acute conflicts and constant quarrels.

Understanding all the secrets of adolescence, suggesting how to survive adolescence without significant losses is the main task of adults during this period. It is important not to lose touch with your son or daughter during this period and maintain a trusting relationship. It must be remembered that overcoming the difficulties of adolescence is a difficult stage for both parties, but it is adults, as wiser and more experienced, who must respond competently to all acute situations, and it is they who bear the responsibility for resolving conflicts.

Remember more often that you yourself were once the same, and it also seemed to you at the age of 14-15 that you were already old enough to independently decide how to live further. Such memories will help you understand that, due to his little life experience, a teenager simply cannot see a controversial situation from a different point of view than his own. Your task is to learn how to control the situation competently, unnoticed by a rambunctious teenager, and unobtrusively help him make the right decision.

If you think that in some situation your child is behaving incorrectly, then try to talk to him about it without getting personal. Give him the opportunity to draw his own conclusions and solve the problem. And under no circumstances judge him for his failures. On the contrary, children in adolescence have an increased need for approval from adults. Do not be surprised that the teenager began to constantly demand attention to himself; do not consider him selfish. He just wants to be sure that his parents love him not for some outstanding successes, but simply for the fact that he exists. It is very important for him to know that his parents will accept him in any case, and in any situation they will be on his side, support him and give advice.

The characteristic of adolescence is that at this time adolescents actively strive for independence. Those parents who give their children the opportunity to feel independent and independent look trustworthy in the eyes of a teenager. And the adults themselves, allowing the teenager to make his own choice, relying only on his own strengths, watch as their child goes up the steps of growing up, overcoming all the crisis moments of his life. Psychologists consider this approach to be the most effective.

When parents tell a teenager - it's up to you; I will agree with your decision; choose yourself - such answers give the teenager a feeling of the right to choose, and he begins to approach decision-making more responsibly. But adolescence is the time when a person must learn to act independently and at the same time be responsible for his actions.

Also in the characteristics of adolescence, it is necessary to mention the fact that a teenager begins to actively look for his place in life. This leads to the fact that his circle of contacts expands significantly, he develops more and more new interests and needs, and he begins to spend more and more time outside the home. Very often parents react to this by increasing control. But this is the wrong step, according to psychologists. Total control does not allow a teenager to feel independent and prevents him from developing a sense of responsibility in the child.

Trust your child, learn to look for compromises and, with their help, give your teenager more freedom. For example, if a teenager suddenly declares that today he will come home at twelve o’clock in the evening instead of the usual nine, then offer him the option to choose from ten or eleven o’clock.

Don't try to control his spending money if you give him pocket money. On the contrary, start giving him money not for one day, but for a week. Let him feel financially independent, because now he won’t have to ask you for money for any purchase, and besides, he will learn to plan his expenses.

Psychologists believe that during adolescence, a child needs his own territory, his personal space. While the child was small, parents constantly monitored whether all his toys were put away, whether his room was in order, etc. But now he needs to allocate a territory that will be inviolable for everyone except him.

The ideal option is his own room, in which he can establish his own rules and maintain cleanliness without adult intervention. Of course, not all families have this opportunity. But in any apartment you can provide a teenager with a shelf in the closet, his own bedside table and table at his personal disposal. And under no circumstances should you invade his territory! Of course, it is very important for elders to know what is happening in the life of their child, with whom he communicates, what thoughts are in his head, what is going on in his soul. But if you rummage through his pockets or desk drawers, read his letters or diaries, eavesdrop on what he says on the phone, you will forever lose the teenager’s trust.

No need to go ahead! It is much better if you simply communicate with your child more often, from time to time you chat with him as if about nothing - about music, films, about some insignificant things, gradually asking him about the child’s friends, about their lives. In a confidential conversation, it is easier to tell a teenager about the dangers that lie in wait around him, and to give him advice in a difficult situation.

You can tell him about your childhood friends, remember what incidents happened to them or to you when you were his age, what you did then and how you would act in the same situation, having your experience today. Moreover, such stories should contain not only moralizing, but also funny details. The child will be glad to discover that you felt then the same as he himself now, which means “you and he are of the same blood!” And don’t doubt that he will take the “moral of this story” into account.

Adolescence is one of the most difficult periods in human development. Often, both parents and teenagers ask themselves the question: how to speed up adolescence so as not to get stuck in it for several years? Is there any remedy that would help avoid all these difficulties?

In order to leave as little mental trauma as possible, the sensitivity and wisdom of adults is necessary, which will help the teenager learn about all the secrets of adolescence with the least loss. But it is impossible to speed up the transitional age - just as it is impossible to speed up the arrival of spring after a boring winter!

Are you finding it more and more difficult to communicate with your teenage child? Does he spend a lot of time in dubious companies, is nervous, worried, but does not share anything with you? Have all your attempts to establish contact failed?

Your child has begun to develop his personality. On the one hand, he wants to isolate himself and become independent, but on the other hand, he also continues to need your support and wise advice..

Why many teenagers avoid communicating with their parents: 4 reasons

1. Teenagers do not feel their parents are interested in their problems and pressing issues.
2. In some families, it is not customary to discuss problems with other members, complain, or show oneself weak and defenseless.
3. Parents teach their children so much that it is impossible for them to get a word in edgewise. Such teenagers choose the strategy “Keep quiet, it’s easier and safer.”
4. Teenagers strive for independence. And any attempts by parents to “get into the soul” are regarded by them as an encroachment on personal freedom or as an attempt to prolong an unnecessary childhood.

Why do you need to talk to a teenager?

Despite the fact that the child strives in every possible way to show and defend his adulthood, he still remains a child. Neither friends, nor hobbies, nor the Internet will give a teenager the wise life knowledge that his relatives and friends possess.

1. Remember yourself
Before you start a conversation with your child, remember yourself as a teenager: what interested you, what were you interested in, how did you communicate with peers, parents, teachers? What kind of communication was it: polite or not, open or distant? What did you want most at that moment - freedom, understanding, recognition, adequate self-esteem, moral support from family and friends? It is important to understand: everything that happened to you were not random mistakes, but tests that you had to go through in order to become such a wonderful person like you.

2. Treat your teen as an individual.
Despite some “childishness” of a teenager, respect him. Remember: he is an independent person with his own characteristics and the right to make mistakes.

3. Acknowledge his right to secrets.
Remember that teenagers may have their own secrets. Therefore, before you start a conversation, calm yourself down. It's okay to have secrets. You also have a few things that you will never tell anyone about?

How to talk to a teenager

4. Make contact
Tell your teen in advance that you would like to talk to him. Find out when he can do this. During this period, he will be able to tune in to the conversation. Say you won't read morals. If your child rebels, does not answer questions, violates deadlines, or refuses to communicate altogether, then the time for revelation has not yet come. Don’t be nervous or rude in response, show restraint. It is likely that the teenager is “testing your strength.”

5. Ask smart questions
If the teenager responded favorably to the offer to talk, start the conversation with a question. For example, ask for advice on something or ask why your relationship isn't working. Ask what he thinks the parent is doing wrong. If your teen doesn't say anything specific, don't worry. Switch the conversation to neutral topics. The main thing is to teach your teenager to communicate with you. Gradually he will begin to trust you. Remember that it is easier to get a person to talk by doing something together with him. Therefore, if your teenager remains silent, answers questions floridly, or shows aggression, keep him busy with something interesting. If the teenager makes contact, then ask about his problems, questions that concern him, etc.

6. Don't impose
When asking questions, do not press, do not be intrusive or too harsh. Don't fawn or coo - this will only cause irritation. Let your child know that you are a loving parent and are always ready to listen, understand and help.

7. Listen actively
Do not rush the child, let him speak calmly. This will help him understand himself better. Ask clarifying questions, ask what he would do in your place. Answer his questions.

How to talk to a teenager

8. Take initiative
If your teenager suddenly starts telling you about his idols, iPads and tablets, and these topics are not at all interesting to you, do not pull your child back, do not walk away from the conversation, but support his initiative. Listen carefully and ask clarifying questions. Remember, good conversation starts small.