- Dove, strengthens hair from the inside! - Do I have hair on the inside?

If you are sent somewhere, it means you are still good for something.

There's nothing like the boss's car in the rearview mirror to get you to work in the morning.

And those born to crawl may not crawl.

Life is Beautiful and amazing! If you drink it first.

The socialite attacked the photographers who were taking pictures of her.

Children at the zoo fed the giraffe Rastishka. The unfortunate animal suffocated in the upper atmosphere.

It's better to be covered in sweat seven times than frost once.

Nothing holds back a hot woman except a strong drink.

Radiculitis is a funny disease - as it sat, so it went.

At first it was good, then very good, and then so good that it’s still bad.

“I’ll owe 10 kopecks,” - with this phrase the seller Lena earned her first million.

The psychiatrist greets the psychiatrist: “You are completely fine, and I?”

One good anecdote is the extra 15 minutes of life taken away from working time.

The only man who cannot live without women is a gynecologist.

Reading the composition of the Chupa Chups candy, you understand that for your health it is better to eat the stick on which it rests.

If for women all men are the same, then why do they still choose?

A real man will never raise his hand to a woman, because a real man’s hand is not raised at all.

Adolescence is a period of life when children are already standing on their own feet, but still wearing shoes bought with parental money.

In spring, even a boot whispers something tender in your ear.

He had no property: he did not even own himself.

Life is measured not by the number of inhalations and exhalations, but by the number of moments that take your breath away!

In my youth I discovered that my big toe would eventually make a hole in my sock. So I stopped wearing socks.

"Albert Einstein"

I easily gain trust. I'm a cat.

The crowd is a herd of sheep that have lost not only their individuality, but also their intelligence.

Thousands of people, dozens of cars, unexpected plot twists. Look out the window!

In politics, for the sake of a certain goal, you can enter into an alliance even with the devil himself - you just need to be sure that you will deceive the devil, and not the devil.

Having won the hand of your beloved, you will constantly feel it in your pocket.

Citizens are like children to the state! It comes up with games for them, tells them fairy tales, feeds them with sweet promises.

What are the similarities and differences between the Christmas tree and the State Duma? - Both are expensive for those who buy them, but the Christmas tree is evergreen, and the Duma is always red.

The hardest part is the end of the month. Especially the last thirty days.

“You’re not the first, you’re not the last,” the woman said, hiding her lover in the closet.

Each accident has a last name, first name, patronymic.

Some bring joy wherever they come, some bring joy wherever they go.

Behind every successful man is a satisfied wife and an astonished mother-in-law.

Delicacy of the season: buckwheat sandwich.

I have so much to do that I'd better go to bed.

If you throw a man correctly, he will definitely come back like a boomerang.

Haven't you been taught not to express your entire vocabulary in one sentence?

Until I found out what they were saying about me, I would never have thought that I live such an interesting life!

If you spit over your left shoulder three times, you are three times more likely to get hit in the head from behind.

Just imagine how the mood of patients would improve if hospitals gave out fins instead of shoe covers!

Life is sad, but the salary is funny.

Miser pays twice! I'll go work for the stingy one!

But remember Cinderella, if you don't come back before 12 o'clock, you will turn into a woman!

Laughing statuses

Tragicomedy - tragedies as a joke.

Why did the Lord create man first, and only then woman? - Because he did not want a woman to give him her advice at the moment of creation.

About one dirty bath, Diogenes asked: “Where should those who washed here wash?”

The Russian person should be thanked at least for his intentions.

The husband leaves for the resort alone, without his wife. A week later he sends her an SMS: “I still love only you! “My wife’s answer: “Yes, and you are the best so far.”

Why did the wolf blow in the fairy tale about the three little pigs and the roof was blown off the piglets?

My husband was jealous of my computer. It’s strange, he’s never been jealous of the stove before!

Citizens are like children to the state! It comes up with games for them, tells them fairy tales, and feeds them with sweet promises.

Now I opened the hole punch and a whole bunch of holes spilled out.

A person can search for his cell phone in the dark by illuminating himself with the same cell phone.

If you start to be disappointed in people, don’t be afraid, you’re on the right track!

Wife: Let's buy a car, I'll learn to drive, we'll see the world! Husband: this one or that one?

Depression is anger without enthusiasm.

Anticipating something was wrong, Mumu ate foam plastic in the evening.

Why do all children's clinics have posters with Aibolit? He's a veterinarian!

It's good where I'm not. But it’s okay, I’ll get there too!

Night. The city is falling asleep. Dieters wake up and go to the refrigerator.

Two friends are talking: “How is your daughter getting settled?” - Great. My husband loves it, buys fur coats and takes it to resorts. - And your son? - And my son came across a bitch, then buy her a fur coat, then take her to the resort.

Everyone has their own recipe for happiness. It’s written on my ceiling: I’m quitting eating tomorrow. Every morning, when I wake up, I see this inscription and think: it’s good that tomorrow, and not today.

I know your contact's password. There were a lot of chicks there Now no one!

The person who figures out how to get his face kicked over the Internet will earn billions!

If the man you like doesn't notice you, borrow a lot of money from him. Let the bitch only think about you!

If they call you fat, eat them!

I’m at your feet, don’t say thank you... I crashed on the threshold, thank him.

Some thoughts I just can’t express in words. I just want to take a shovel and kill everyone.

Usually what you are running from always catches you. Girls, run away from the oligarchs!

In the search for adventure, the main role, as a rule, is not played by the head.

Weekends are when you wake up and 2 hours later it’s already dark.

I can not only send, but also push in the indicated direction.

In the room where the computer is, I can clean for an infinite amount of time.

I have such plans for the weekend that my brain has already begun to give up on me.

A man loves with his eyes, a woman with her ears. Erotic position 78: a man looks into a woman’s ear.

I solve other people's problems, and collect my own.

I hope everyone can guess why Sobchak doesn’t smoke?

Childhood is a time when you don’t yet think about swearing.

Even the most beautiful legs grow out of your ass!

Yesterday I went to bed at 21:30. From such happiness I could not sleep until 3 o’clock.

If your husband cheated on you, before leaving him, give him a laxative mixed with Viagra. Let this male shit himself with happiness on your rival!

For some reason, people wearing headphones think that they fart very discreetly and quietly.

Life is like a zebra - a black stripe, a white stripe, and then comes the tail and a big ass!

Why should I drink? Even when I’m sober, I talk nonsense.

With the right selection of literature, you can get a good education in the toilet.

This morning they showed such horrors in the mirror.

Don't be born beautiful! Otherwise, in primary school they will beat your head off with briefcases!

Our Tanya is crying loudly, two stripes mean something.

I have had a dream since childhood - to put a heater in the freezer and carefully observe who is stronger!

This inexplicable feeling of happiness when you turn out well in a photograph...

How is your self-esteem?
- So-so. We, queens, are simple people...

Oh, Great Contact, brain absorber, let me eat for half an hour.

Hedgehogs can kill an elephant, but they don't eat elephant meat. There is a lot of senseless cruelty in the world!

Unpredictability is the most important trump card of women, with which they easily beat any pathetic card of male logic!

Do you consider women the weaker sex? Then try to take the blanket away from her at night.

A very small elephant calf is looking for love and warmth, affection and just a little bit of food!

The impudence of my phone has no limits. He simply refers to the computer as a “device.”

I sing so cool that the neighbors start applauding the radiator.

The cat was stopped from shitting in the middle of the room, poking its muzzle into its shit. Now the cat shits in the middle of the room, pokes him with his muzzle and leaves.

When intoxicated, the body believes that it is close to death and instinctively strives for procreation.

Today I’m happy, I made myself a hair mask (kefir, cocoa, henna), I’m coming back from the bathroom, and my husband is sitting in the kitchen and eating my mask...

The whole team was rolling around laughing after the first phrase: “they’re carrying me, that means they’re fighting drunk.”

Condoms "Cactus" - she will scream

Expensive! But buy me a car, I can drive, we’ll explore the world!
- This one or that one?

I saw a guy in the store, he was dressed stylishly, he had a super figure, fate decided that she was... She got smart, straightened her hair, and approached... Bitch... Mannequin!!!

Statuses laughing to the point of tears - An ass will become a beautiful face after going through all the Photoshop filters.

Get a tattoo on your chest: “Shake before autopsy” - make the pathologists laugh!

An emo girl sits on a pipe, swears at her life, mourns her fate and suddenly the pipe explodes - GAZPROM - DREAMS COME TRUE!

My mother told me: “Don’t lie on your side.” I didn’t listen, I lay down! As a result, he broke both arms, ribs, and the toilet to pieces...

How to drive your lover crazy? Wear a bra with a front clasp, a T-shirt body with a hidden clasp between the legs and stretch trousers with an imitation fly.

I shaved one leg. I didn’t have time to shave my other leg because my husband woke up. And now he walks around like a fool with one unshaven leg.

The daughter runs around the room cheerfully and quickly. Husband: Mashenka, run more carefully! Otherwise you’ll crash your teeth into the nightstand, we’ll have a nightstand with teeth, but you won’t...

Oh, who is this that wakes up? Oh, whose eyes are these opening? At night it jumped, galloped, did not let people sleep...
Don't tease me... Just give me mineral water.

I bought a book: “Poisons. Yesterday, today, tomorrow” (I just decided to read)… My husband has been washing the dishes for two days now, taking out the trash, and agrees with everything…

Grandma bought galoshes, but there was nothing to wrap them in. She went to the pharmacy and there they gave her a box of condoms “1000 pieces”. It turns out that a man meets her: Hey, grandma, how much is this box enough for you?! God grant that it will last for a year.

The girl writes: “How to hint/tell a guy that he sometimes salivates during a kiss?” Another replies: “Pretend that you are choking...”

The grandmother, who sold seeds, ensured an influx of customers by adding heroin to the seeds. She was burned while the pigeons were nearby discussing quantum field theory and the Asian stock market.

Like a “cool” guy, I wanted to take her, press her against the wall and kiss her, but in the end she got a concussion.

The girl Masha came to the matinee dressed as a squirrel and scared the kindergarten guard terribly...

Today I woke up very exotic. The first part of waking up was due to a squeaky cry: "Pikachu, lightning strike!!!" I thought “what the hell”... I thought about falling asleep again - no matter how,
Not even a second had passed before I was wildly shocked. It turned out that my little brother took his father’s stun gun, and while watching his cartoon, this “brilliant” idea came to his mind - to cut, set the shock to maximum, his eye is still twitching... I’ll take revenge somehow...

If you go out into the yard at night, lie down and look at the sky through a colander, you can see the face of the emergency doctor.

No one has ever hit anyone in the face for me! All by myself... all by myself.

Only our men laugh at a woman driving while sitting on a tram.

Snow on my back, snow on my mouth, snow on my ears and stomach, snow on my face and snow on my eyes - spring is here!

Hearing the phrase in the morning: “Darling, I’m pregnant,” Vadim pretended to be asleep for another two days.

How unceremonious men appear on the site... Then one wrote me a message today: “Well, how are you in bed?” I couldn’t find anything better to answer him: “Fine... I’ll fit in for now!”

A girl working in a provider company asks a client: “Is your end really crimped, or is it hanging bare?”

What about a galloping horse... There are women in Russian megacities who can stop up to a thousand cars with a slight turn of the steering wheel.

I was riding in a minibus, I was sitting near the window, a black man sat next to me, he was in a good mood, he decided to make fun of me. At my stop I say:
- I'm going out, yours is mine!
It is in purely Russian:
- All sorts of people have come here in large numbers.

Well, how can I explain to my husband that I married him and did not adopt him?!

Sometimes a man, like a cuckoo, also carries his eggs into other people’s nests...

I turned under the prohibitory sign at the command of the car navigator.
He says:
- Turn right.
And I told him:
- There's a sign there!
And he:
- Do what I say! There haven't been any traffic cops here for a long time.

After some time, a letter arrives from a friend from the army: “We are taught here to remove snow and cook potatoes. So if the enemy attacks, we will clear the way for him and prepare food for him.”

Santa Claus give me brains or black hair dye.

Do I run in the morning??? CERTAINLY! Damn, I overslept too!!!

Do you want to change your life, go on a diet, quit smoking or find a new job? Especially for you, every week - MONDAY.

Wah! Well, I have neighbors too! A pipe burst in our bathroom, a neighbor from below came and poured a bucket of water on the floor shouting, “Well, is that nice?” Question: who did she make worse?

I walk through the city, attracting the gaze of passers-by. What interested them in me? Beauty - hardly. Popularity - I think not. Maybe a working orange chainsaw in his hands?

Two in bed. The phone rings. The woman picks up the phone, listens and says: “My husband called.” He said he was going fishing with you.

Hi, my wife is 18 weeks pregnant. - And mine is on the 12th. Who do you want more, a boy or a girl? - A boy. - And why? - I want a radio-controlled helicopter

Hello, mom, give dad the phone. - Hello, dad, is Spartak a champion? - Yes, yes, yes, of course, daughter, of course! - Dad, give me mom. - Hey, mom, you heard, dad allowed it.

If enter fails on someone else’s keyboard, you pour kefir on it, and then wash it in the shower, hit it harder with a crowbar, hit it a couple of times on the wall, throw it from the table to the floor, walk on it with your feet... on other people’s keyboards this helps a lot.

Again I'm scratching my heels on the ice and morning powder... Damn, it's tough! What did you want?! What if fate, and I’m wearing galoshes...

Promotion on the Chinese market: “Buy a set of blue bed linen and become an avatar in one night!”

I found an interesting thing: Russian proverb: “Fools think alike,” American: “Great minds think alike.”

One friend to another:
- Can you imagine, yesterday, I was sitting at home with MINE, suddenly the bell rang, I opened the door... MINE came...

She was so correct, so reasonable, so highly moral that I wanted to pour a bottle of cognac into her and see what happened.

And next time I’ll tell you how to make your boyfriend nervous using a felt-tip pen and a pregnancy test.

First there was wine, then he opened cognac, then they brought liqueur, then they mixed beer with vodka... And after that he was poisoned by a cookie...

Laughing statuses in contact attract users with a good sense of humor, so they see you as a potential interlocutor, which they may be missing in real life. Laughing statuses will instantly tell everyone that you are in a wonderful mood. To do this, use our collection of statuses, downloading them freely at no cost.

Among classmates, laughing statuses are used not only to demonstrate the mood. If someone you know is in trouble, cheer them up by posting similar phrases on your page. When you come across a funny phrase or joke, tell your friends about it, this is your chance to become the life of the party.

Laughing statuses in ICQ give positivity. Even the most shy and modest person, having written a laughing status, becomes a star among his friends. Conquer the image of a perky and cheerful person by writing just a couple of lines! Remember, in ICQ you can be whatever you want, regardless of whether you are so sociable in life.