Rudeness hurts and insults parents. Systematic rudeness from teenagers turns out to be a problem for parents who are sensitive to rudeness. Even accidental and short-term rudeness of a child can ruin the mood for a long time. How to react to a teenager's rudeness?
Change your attitude towards and your individual way of responding to! If we want and know how to do it. People suffering from rudeness, having become acquainted with a very simple technology and responding to criticism, began to smile when they encountered rudeness, and enthusiastically talked about the changes that happened to them after mastering this technology.

The fact is that just as a person depends on the social situation, on the behavior of the people around him, our social environment also depends on our behavior.

By changing ourselves, we change our environment and the behavior of our children, which helps us change ourselves. It is possible to resist rudeness. You just need to know how and start doing it.

The strong emotional processes that rudeness causes in some people cause them to experience what psychologists call an anxious state. People anxiously expect rudeness towards themselves, are afraid of it and begin to react to completely neutral and constructive criticism as rudeness, trying to protect their personality.

As a result, in their minds, rudeness becomes something that is not rudeness at all, and they may lose extremely important and valuable information that constructive criticism carries.

Of course, a very important question arises about what constructive criticism is and how to distinguish rudeness from constructive criticism. There is an answer to this question and it is quite simple. Rudeness aims to destroy our psychological integrity and hinder our development; constructive criticism is constructive because it is aimed at restoring and (or) developing the individual.

Constructive criticism, even expressed in the form of communication barriers, is beneficial to us, and therefore requires consideration and clarification. Typically, constructive criticism comes either from a person who is competent in his field, or from a loved one with whom we have been living together for a long time, and who may know something about us that we do not notice about ourselves.

It is usually strangers and incompetent people who are rude to us, thus trying to emphasize their status and increase their importance. You shouldn’t take their criticism seriously, much less worry about it. Of course, I would like to ask, how can we not worry if we hear public insults, if criticism humiliates us and puts us in a stupid position? There may be several answers, at least we always have a choice of at least five possible methods of countering rudeness.

You can simply ignore rudeness, that is, not pay attention to it. The easiest way to achieve this is to pay attention to something else. Try to count how many buttons are on the blouse of a rude saleswoman.

Look with delight not into the eyes of the rude boss, but a little higher between the eyes. Mentally place Mount Fuji and begin to admire its beautiful slopes. Don't pay attention to the rudeness. Pay attention to beautiful things.

Ignoring is not given to everyone; some, for various psychological reasons, are very sensitive to rudeness and unfair criticism and consider it their duty to respond to rudeness. For such people, we recommend a technique that we call “pink mist.” Its essence is very simple: we paraphrase what we heard from the interlocutor and answer him in the most general phrases, presenting facts that cannot be disputed. There are several universal phrases that, with some imagination, can be applied to any boorish statement.

First: All people are different, live differently, are interested in different things, react differently to different events.

How is this phrase used? Yes, very simple. Here are some examples.

The psychological meaning of the “pink fog” is that a rude partner drives himself into a dead end, and instead of anger and irritation, we begin to enjoy such verbal battles. Try it and you will see for yourself.

Sometimes the rudeness goes off scale and we have to defend things that seem fundamental to us. Here we can refer to the right of every person to be who he is, and not to strive to be like hundreds of other people.

In this we can use the following key phrases:

Sometimes the "British naval officer's rule" helps. First say what you want to say, then say it, and finally say what you just said.

The aerobatics is to find a funny and cheerful phrase that will amuse you and your rude partner. Here, unfortunately, it is not possible to prepare anything in advance. The humor is inherent in the situation, and is very specific. If you manage to remain calm and joke in response to boorish behavior, then we are only happy for you.

If criticism comes from someone close to you or a competent person, then we recommend using a scheme for responding to constructive criticism.

It is very simple and extremely effective, although it requires emotional balance, self-confidence and calm.

Step one: Listen without interrupting your partner.

Step two: How exactly does this manifest itself?

Step Three: What do you think needs to change?

Step Four: Thank you very much for telling me this, I see you as a competent person.

If your partner is unable to say exactly what caused it and what needs to be corrected, then you should suspect him of incompetence and move on to the “pink fog”.

So, different people behave differently when they find a drunk and naked father in the house, but some positive effects of their actions are felt after a very significant time, giving rise to the development of applied behavioral psychology. Probably, completely eliminating rudeness from our lives is an elusive task. But learning to resist rudeness while maintaining self-confidence and equanimity is a task quite achievable for everyone.

Yesterday the family was peaceful, but today a rude, prickly, angry, ungrateful teenager is ruining everyone’s life. What to do if a child is rude to his parents: respond with severity and take him in stride, or continue to raise him as before, or maybe ignore him? And then he will understand how wrong he is? Mom and dad rush around looking for a way out, trying one tactic then another, arguing with each other, blaming each other for educational mistakes, being offended by their son (daughter). This does not correct the situation. The family is going through difficult times. What should I do?

Parents tend to blame the child. But for him, too, life is not sugar. And this is the cause of the problem. I'll tell you about one case from my practice.

The mother of 13-year-old Misha came for a consultation and complained for a long time about her son, who had become completely unbearable: “You can’t say a word to him - he’s rude, insolent, breaks down over trifles!” She asked to talk to him because the boy’s parents had exhausted their reserves of diplomacy and severity (mixed together). I agreed, on the condition that the boy himself wanted it. In such cases, children are not always willing to contact a psychologist. We talked, and... as one would expect, there were just as many, if not more, responses. They boiled down to the following: “They still think I’m small! They enter a room without knocking, they barge in with advice when they’re not asked, they dictate what to wear, what to eat and who to go out with... we’re sick of it!”

What happens to a child if he suddenly stops loving his parents and begins to consider them enemies? Calm down... don't exaggerate so much! Although, I must admit, such thoughts also occurred to me when I was raising my eldest son.

Reasons why your child is rude

Much has been written about the reasons, including on this website (links below), so here is a short, more about parental behavior. First and most important: no matter how acute and intense the conflicts between parents and children during this period are, do not draw conclusions about love and hate! If your child begins to be insolent and rude, this does not mean that he has stopped loving you. What could this mean?

1. He is fighting for his freedom!
2. He is asserting himself!
3. He's training!
4. ...or he gets your attention.

Why does he assert himself at the expense of his parents, fight for freedom with his parents and train (learn to conflict and achieve his goal in these conflicts) on his parents? Are there no other people? Why upset those closest to you?

Remember, from Dolsky: “Our most beloved people get the least love...”. This is the answer. Parents are close. They are not only geographically closest to the teenager, they have already included him in their circle of love - emotionally. It is common for all people (and especially teenagers!) to strive to be loved. They are confident in the love of their parents (of course, this applies to those families where the relationship is warm, truly family). Therefore, why direct your efforts to conquer what has already been conquered? Parents love, which means they won’t go anywhere. This is like a foundation, a springboard from which the conquest of the Big World begins: classmates, friends in your own and not your own area, on VKontakte, Facebook and other places.

The teenager’s attention is directed not inside the family, but outside, which is quite natural for his development. Even if he is one of those who spends more time at home at the computer, he still thinks more about what is behind the walls.

And in this Big World, as usually happens when exploring new territories, he faces a lot of problems and difficulties. He doesn’t know how to solve them, he has no one to consult with (his friends have the same difficulties, and his pride doesn’t allow ).

Why doesn’t the child ask his parents what to do, but is rude to them?

They would love to help, chew it and put it in their mouth, but no! Because:

1. pride!
2. you are not an authority!

You… « the last century sucks, which means leave me alone! » (quote). Your attempts to “pry into his affairs” only fuel the flames of child-parent wars.

He fights fiercely for his autonomy, suppressing your interference with hitherto prohibited methods: rudeness and rudeness. He is training on you, sharpening the claws that he will need in later life. Relieves the tension of resentment from your failures. After all, haven't you ever snapped at your husband or wife after a particularly nasty week at work? I’m not talking about your own teenage period; people tend to quickly forget their “exploits.”

The child needs your attention

Conflicts between parents and children - outbursts of discontent, hysterics, demonstrative silence or disobedience may also indicate that your child needs your attention. You spend too little time with him, or spend it formally.

...Sometimes this happened to me too, when I could ask 2-3 times in the evening about how things were at school. The son was offended: “I already told you!” and he was absolutely right: I ignored his answers.

In this case, the child, with his inappropriate behavior, may try to regain his mom and dad. And there is no point in laying the blame on him for doing it this way. Whatever he can do, that's how he does it.

That is, there are children who are “loved” and “unloved,” but they are equally rude, trying to achieve their goals. But since the goals are opposite, the tactics of parents should be different.

What to do if a child is rude to parents?

If you overprotective child and still see him as a baby, then:

• Repeat to yourself as often as possible that this speaks of his maturation just like the growth of breasts in girls, or the breaking of voices in boys. Repeat this to yourself so you don't get upset, angry or offended. These emotions are a bad advisor, they will prevent you from doing everything else that is important!
• Don't deprive him of your love in the form in which you are accustomed to manifest it. Do not take revenge for rudeness with terror or ignorance.
• Tell him honestly about your feelings, that his behavior offends and angers you.
• When your feelings are simply unbearable, remember that this period will definitely pass(breasts will grow, your voice will change and your teenager will become an adult), and will pass without much loss if you are less involved in the struggle.
• Let him defeat you sometimes! Review home laws and rules towards greater freedom and independence for your child.
• Always remember that detailed instructions are annoying. They indicate your distrust of the child. So, where possible, keep them to a minimum. For example: “Please buy bread” and do not attach to this a detailed map of the microdistrict with a bakery marked with a cross and a list of prices for different types of bread. He'll figure it out on his own, he's not a little guy.

If your son or daughter lacks attention and this is precisely the reason that the child is rude to his parents, then advice on what to do in this case will look different.

• Be sincerely (!!!) interested in his affairs, his friends, his studies.
• Find out what he needs and give it to him. The process is not that complicated; it is enough to ask from time to time: “What can I do for you now?”
• The rules will also have to be revised and independence will also need to be granted, however, a child “underfed” with attention will be more likely to be dissatisfied with this and tend to mistake it for indifference. Therefore, each “extension” must be discussed and insisted that it will bring experience and benefit to the child.

Last chance

For ro It is important for parents of neglected children to understand: adolescence is last period when it is relatively easy to establish emotional contact with children. And if you don’t do this now, another 3-5 years will pass, they will grow up and alienation will finally cement the familiar and durable wall. And not only will you yourself suffer from the fact that the child does not call or come, but he himself will have great difficulty in establishing strong emotional relationships in his adult life, because no one taught him this.

Conflicts between parents and children hurt both sides. And it is important to understand what exactly needs to be done when your child is rude to his parents. He draws attention to himself. The family needs reform, right?

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Remember that our beloved sweet child still exists, he still loves us and needs us, even if he expresses it differently now. Someday he will definitely thank us, and this is worth all these worries and battles.

We love our children very much, but some of them can be very difficult to communicate with even from the age of 12. Of course, their behavior has its very good reasons: hormonal surges, features of brain development during puberty, new social roles, the influence of the Internet and peers. But this doesn’t make it any easier for us. We want to establish communication with our children. How to do it?

Effective ways to interact with teenagers who are rude and rude

1. Don’t give in to provocations

Learn to recognize the moment when a child is “pushing” your “buttons” or trying to push through your personal boundaries. A young lady stands in front of you and with a defiant look lets out terrible things that make no sense. It is very difficult to control yourself at this time. But your anger and frustration spilling out will only add fuel to the fire, and you will also set a bad example.

That's why when a child provokes you on your “nerves” - recognize this with a cool mind and do not react impulsively.

2. Stay calm

Sometimes it seems impossible to speak in a calm voice, but you should try very hard not to shout. And explain that you care and want to discuss the child’s problem, talk about a topic that causes his negative reaction, but not in scandal mode. “We will speak calmly, like human beings. Don’t shout, calm down, then we’ll discuss it, I’m also interested in this.” A scandal is a destabilized parent, which means control is in the hands of a provoking child. Return to the position of an adult by pacifying your emotions. And this is sometimes enough to defuse the situation.

If the child is still “seething”, give him time to come to his senses. Return to the problem later, when the emotions have subsided, but make it clear that you did not “swallow” the situation, you did not retreat, you simply do not want to discuss issues with a yelling person.

3. Don't take it personally

It can be very scary to hear what teenagers say in the heat of the moment. All this is in the spirit of the ancient Greek tragedy about “you are a bad mother”, “I did not ask you to give birth”, “I will leave you for Africa” and so on. Try to understand that, oddly enough, there is nothing personal about this. This is rebellion, which is given the most painful form for you. These words are just tools in the struggle of teenagers against the whole world, nothing personal. They really want independence and, at the same time, the approval of those who mean so much to them: parents and friends.

Remember yourself, you also said a lot to your parents, which you later regretted. It was also bitter for your parents, but they got over it and, most likely, you now have a good relationship with them. Now you. remember, that stubbornness and rudeness in our children at this age are most often just a defensive reaction. They test us, looking for evidence of our love for them, no matter what.

4. Set ironclad rules

Unconditional love does not mean letting your children sit on your head. Even though they are growing up, they still need boundaries. This helps them understand what to expect from you and what you expect from them. Yes, we must provide outlets for their negative emotions, but we must also teach them how to express those emotions in an acceptable way.

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Teens' lives are full of bad examples, but we must counteract them by talking about not being disrespectful with others: "We are a family and we speak to each other politely." You can also let your child know that he has hurt you so that he knows that words hurt - this helps develop empathy. If a teenager wants to be treated like an adult, let him act like one. We show them what rudeness looks like and what consequences await those who deliberately do not abstain from it.

5. Don't lecture

Our children are often confident that they are the smartest in the world. This confidence has a physiological basis: their not yet fully developed brain assures them of this. During this period of life, they are more prone than ever to impulsive behavior and do not understand the long-term consequences of their decisions. Sometimes we wonder: how can such a smart child act so stupidly or irresponsibly? This is temporary, but convincing them completely that our view of life is correct (especially when it is really the only correct one) is often simply impossible. Don't go crazy about this, go back to the previous point.

Not a single child in the world came away from a parent's "lecture" enlightened for life about the importance of homework or errands around the house. We can't teach them to be less selfish or more responsible by talking.

What to do? Don't talk about what's right or wrong: set expectations and consequences.

• Don't do chores? Okay, let's subtract the cost of your labor from your pocket money. If someone else has to work for you (mom, dad, brother, sister), but know: their work means money, and a lot of it.
• Homework not completed? All privileges and “goodies” in the form of smartphones, games on the computer, going to the cinema must be earned with good grades.
• An able-bodied teenager doesn’t want to take on a part-time job? Everything that is not included in the list of things strictly necessary for health and life is now your personal concern.

The Power of Praise

If a child demonstrates maturity when he initiates a conversation politely or when he understands and communicates, “I need to calm down,” we should acknowledge this and tell him that we are proud of this behavior. Remember that our beloved sweet child still exists, he still loves us and needs us, even if he expresses it differently now. Someday he will definitely thank us, and this is worth all these worries and battles. published .

Kira Lewis, mom and blogger from Florida (USA)

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

A classic example of boorish behavior was described in the Bible using the example of Noah's third son, Ham, who disgraced and ridiculed his father in front of his brothers for dozing off without clothes. Since then, disrespectful behavior has been called rudeness. But if you think about it, disrespect for each other in society sometimes simply goes beyond all boundaries. Or rather, a disregard for the boundaries of what is permitted in relation to another person is becoming, alas, the norm.

One of the reasons for such prevalence of rudeness in our society is historical background. Slave psychology was formed over a thousand years, and serfdom was abolished only a century and a half ago. The alternative to the communal system of the Russian village and servility to the master was not so alternative - Soviet collectivism. A type of relationship has developed between people that excludes respect in principle. Unspoken government policy also does little to support individual rights. Rudeness is widespread in the media, on television, in the highest echelons of power in relation to the people, which makes rudeness at the everyday level legitimate.

The general rules of cultural behavior oblige us to be mutually polite, but these rules are clearly not written for everyone, and at any moment in a public place, in transport or at work, someone can say a few words to us that will ruin our mood for the whole day.

Of course, rudeness cannot be left unpunished, but not everyone can immediately find their bearings and give an apt answer that will disarm the boor and return the blow to him.

Why are people rude?

Psychologists say that rudeness is a manifestation of weakness. In fact, a self-confident, successful and satisfied person will not ruin the lives of those around him. He has enough patience and self-esteem not to create emotional problems for other people.

The following categories of citizens are distinguished by boorish behavior:

• people who were disliked in childhood. A person, desperate to receive the love of his parents in a natural way, develops defiant behavior in order to be paid attention to, and this method is fixed in their minds as the only one that works and is effective;
• people seeking to assert themselves at the expense of those who cannot adequately respond to them - for example, a boorish boss who terrorizes his subordinates, who, due to the established chain of command, cannot answer him;
• people who do not know how to argue their point of view in a civilized manner, but want to go to the end in an argument. Turning to rudeness, they, alas, suffer defeat, demonstrating a lack of culture of behavior;
• people with high self-esteem (the position “I am the navel of the earth”), who do not take into account the norms of behavior in the team and the feelings of other people;
• people who are in a state of disappointment, fatigue, momentary weakness - the difference is that when they break down, they immediately apologize. The only question is who the collision occurred with - if a boor gets into trouble, then a serious conflict is inevitable.

Rudeness is based on the desire to offend someone by deed or word, and, preferably for a boor, anonymously. A boor seeks to involve another person in a dialogue built according to his rules, invades our lives from the position of a “legitimate accuser,” a kind of truth-teller, and for this reason he feels unpunished, because not everyone knows how to respond to rudeness right away. In this way, a boor tries to force others to respect him.

Rudeness is not always expressed in an aggressive form; sometimes it manifests itself in the form of ignoring, elevated tone, derogatory intonations, and neglect. This is how bosses often behave with their subordinates, masking their incompetence with intimidating aggressive behavior.

Unpleasant treatment is becoming increasingly common today on the roads, on social networks, and on the street.

How to resist road rudeness

Autocrackers are those who chaotically and barbarously park wherever it is convenient for them, those who recklessly cut off other road users, honk their horns, demand to give way right away, and at the slightest reason for a conflict rushes to deal with them with swearing and fists.

In such cases, do not try to find a common language with him. Lock all the doors in the car, turn on the video recording, do not try to prove anything to such a person, attract the attention of others with a horn, or, as a last resort, call the police. Of course, the mood after such a meeting will be ruined, and if you have someone to talk to, call and tell about the incident. Don't try to hit the road right away, give yourself a break. Sit in the car or, conversely, go out into the fresh air, do a few exercises - for example, squats.

Be lenient with inattentive road users, don’t honk for no reason, use high beams, and if a dispute breaks out about who should pass first, consider it best to give in and save your time. This will make the traffic more friendly.

Rudeness in the store

The legacy of the era of stagnation turns out to be very tenacious, especially in small cities and towns. To this day, some sellers can yell at the buyer, be rude, and pointedly ignore them, taking advantage of the fact that there is no one to monitor the quality of their work. Respond to rudeness with icy correctness and general phrases. The boorish attack will choke within a minute. If this doesn’t work, call the manager and demand a complaint book. But under no circumstances should you shout.

Rudeness at work

A good team is truly a gift of fate. People in a team unite into a single organism. Rudeness at work is a sign of inept management. Unfortunately, business ethics does not take root in all organizations, which worsens work results and leads to staff turnover.

The vector of business communication is set by the manager. If he is rude to his employees, then they are unlikely to be polite in their interactions with each other.

Ineffective organization of work and rest leads to stress, and stress reduces the level of self-control and leads to manifestations of rudeness.

In a dysfunctional team, gossip, envy of others' successes, and a priori disrespect for newcomers flourish.

I am a professional psychologist with experience in solving problems related to conflict management. If you constantly suffer from rudeness addressed to you and do not know how to resist it, I can teach you how to defend yourself from rudeness and how to prevent being rude to you. For this you can. I conduct consultations in a private office in the center of Moscow and online using. Completely confidential and anonymous.

In this case, it is difficult to confront a whole crowd at once and deal with rudeness emanating from many people, and even more difficult not to pay attention. If you have strong nerves, you will have to join such a team. If you still value peace of mind more, it is better to look for a new job or move to another department.

The boss's rudeness indicates his incompetence and that things are not going well in the company. Of course, you shouldn’t be rude to his face, but you can sympathize internally and see him as a little lost boy who also took responsibility for other people. This will give you confidence in the inevitable conflicts with him.

The rudeness of subordinates is dangerous for the superior by the loss of authority. But if you react to rudeness in the same style, then your weakness will be visible to the naked eye. You can answer with dignity only if you feel higher and stronger than this person.

Customer rudeness is an eternal headache for many industries (in particular, sales). Many clients come with ready-made negativity and suspicions of deception. The method of working with them is something like this: listen without interrupting, sympathize, let him know that you are on his side, clarify once again what he is dissatisfied with, solve the problem, do everything that depends on you, and be sure to check the output.

How to properly respond to the rudeness of adult children

Sooner or later, this manifestation of disrespect on the part of children can affect every parent. Teenagers rebel when their lives are not filled with something interesting and their self-esteem is undermined. Whether it is a prosperous family or a wealthy one, there is no fundamental difference. In this way they try to show their independence without having the correct models for expressing this. During this period, you cannot continue to communicate with your growing son or daughter as if you were a minor, much less communicate emotionally. The style of communication will have to change radically. You must understand how your child lives, what he wants in life and what he is afraid of, teach him more constructive ways to resolve conflicts, and become unobtrusive friendly support for him. But if you are faced with the rudeness of a 20-year-old son or daughter, this means that something has been wrong in your relationship for a long time, and you need to consult a psychologist.

How to deal with rudeness?

Psychologists believe that the most unfortunate reaction is an insult or a response in the same spirit, and even more so it is inappropriate to accept the rules of the game of an unworthy opponent. There is already a certain scenario in his head, and your task is to destroy it.

By being offended, we show the boor that we are hurt and hurt - which is what he, in fact, sought. A triumphant boor will certainly try to “finish off” morally the person whom he managed to knock down with his actions or statements, and, if possible, make him his constant target, and such situations will be repeated.

By responding in the same spirit, we waste our energy. Because conflict is a native environment for a boor, he is in it like a fish in water, and he will not dare to take aim at someone like himself, he always finds a victim who is weaker or not ready for the unexpected.

To make excuses means to admit one’s guilt; such behavior is akin to humiliation and looks childish. Excuses won't help you. Moreover, the boor is not waiting for them and does not want to hear them.

Simply put, you must answer him with the coin with which he does not have change.

Methods of countering rudeness

The main rule when faced with rudeness is to behave like an adult. Children cry, scream and are indignant. Adults maintain composure and look for weak points in the attacker. Control yourself and talk to the boor from the position of a confident adult.

Don't let the boor control the situation. You need to let him know that you demand respect for yourself, no matter who he is.

Don’t keep negative emotions inside yourself, so that you don’t splash them out on your loved ones later at home and so that the insolent person doesn’t consider himself unpunished. It is necessary to rein him in without screaming or waving your arms.

Whatever he says to you, don't take it personally. Keep in mind that at the moment you are dealing with a weak-willed person, dissatisfied with life, spewing verbal garbage in your direction that makes no sense.

Humor and sarcasm can knock down the arrogance of a boor, and the subtle question “Did something offend you?” and completely baffle. A clear rebuff in the form of a couple of barbs can silence a boor for a long time. And if you also inject him into a weak spot - and every person has one - then you will simply paralyze him. Use all your powers of observation, even if you see this type for the first and last time.

Sometimes it makes sense to have an honest conversation with the person. It is quite possible that his outburst is the result of troubles he has experienced, but, nevertheless, no troubles are an excuse for boorish behavior. Such an appeal will allow the boor to look at himself from the outside and, perhaps, understand something. If the reason for rudeness is personal problems, then most likely the person will come to his senses in time and apologize. Later he will be very grateful to you for your participation and moral support.

How can a woman respond to rudeness? As subtly and gracefully as possible. Not because retaliatory rudeness does not decorate a woman - it does not decorate anyone - but because subtle injections work most reliably, and you will learn to fend off any blows to your self-esteem and feelings.

All these issues can be discussed in a personal consultation, since there are many options for countering rudeness, and we will find the most appropriate ways to respond just for you. To make an appointment with me for a consultation, dial the number listed at the top of the page, or use the feedback form below. Our communication is completely confidential and anonymous.